Hi My Name Is

Hi my name is Kaio, I'm 6yrs old and I like being cozy in the morning:

I like getting messy and silly:

Hi my name is Nala, I'm 4yrs old and I want to be an artist:

Caring About What Other People Think

Yesterday Nala came to me with a multicolored crown made out of pipe cleaners.  She presented it proudly.  The flimsy little thing barely fit on her head and kept falling off.  But she seemed happy about it.

Then the wind changed and she turned very upset.  Which for Nala means she curled up behind a stuffed animal on the floor with a frown on her face and droopy eyes.

"My crown looks funny." She said with a sigh.

"But I thought you liked it."  I replied.

"I like my crown, but I think other people will think it is funny looking."

This became a conversation worth writing about, because it's really the first conversation we've had like this yet.  In such an innocent and virgin way, she expressed this social pressure that we all feel all the time, every day.  It's like she has become self aware of the difference between herself and others, and actually cares about how they will evaluate her.  She's worried that what she likes and does isn't good enough for the rest of the world.

Where does she pull this from?  Before it seemed that she could wear the weirdest things; as long as it was her style she'd wear it proudly.  But now, she suddenly feels something she likes isn't cool enough.
As teens and adults we shelf what we like because we know that we'll be judged for it, eventually that action becomes habitual and unperceived.  Have you ever been ashamed of yourself for a product you created?

I remember in 5th grade, the first year I went to public school, I wore a really silly outfit on 'Funny Outfit day.'  I had a plaid skirt with a tie as a belt and mismatched knee highs, a poka-dot shirt and pigtails.  I thought I looked so perfectly funny dressed and cool.  I expected everyone else to be dressed outlandishly too.  But, nope.  Maybe somebody had a funny hat on, and somebody else had their shirt on backwards.  Kids in the class laughed at me and I felt like a dork.

This summer Kaio took a skate boarding class.  He's not usually the type to care about style, he'll wear Nala's shoes out of the house if he can't find his.  But for skate boarding class he picked out his clothes.  He wouldn't wear any Spiderman shirts, which at the time were his favorites.  When I asked him about it he stated very firmly with a hint of distress, "I can't wear those."
I tried to smooth out stress and replied, "Of course, we wouldn't want the world to know your secret superhero identity."

But I sensed that this new fashion selectivity had something to do with the older kids at the skate park and what they were or were not wearing, or perhaps a comment he'd overheard an older kid make about a younger kid's Spiderman shirt.

Back to Nala:

"Does that bother you if people think it is funny looking?" I replied.

"Yes, because they will say it is funny looking." She continued with a weak voice.

"I don't think your friends will say that."

"Well, I think Abigail will like it because it has a heart on it... and Leila will like the heart too... and Veera will like it... and Ella will like it..."

She started to perk up.
Friends love the things you make no matter how funny looking they are because they love you and your heart on the inside.

A Box Nala Made with Decoupage 

Your Chronology in Rewind

I had this dream many years ago of a computer program for storing pictures that would file the pictures like a timeline of your life.  So you could see them all sequentially placed next to each other in a long deck of cards like line.  You could just enter in at any point and pull a picture or a bunch of pictures out of the line, lifting a chunk of your history into view.  It seemed like such a logical way to access pictures digitally.  If I was a computer programmer, I would have developed it right then and there.
But I'm not.  Luckily though it didn't take long for someone else to come up with the same idea.  Picasa works pretty similarly.  You can scroll through your entire life in photos. If you just press on the down arrow, the pictures flash on the screen in order, now to before, your chronology in rewind.

Did I mention we are traveling to Romania for Christmas and Germany for New Years?  This will be a huge trip for me, as it is the first time I've traveled there as an adult.  The first time I've began to ponder, maturely, my ancestry and origins.  The special extra sensory level of motherhood will open up emotions around my family's journey out of the tyrannical communist curtain.  It feels like a midlife pilgrimage in a way.  To know who you are, you need to know where you came from.  Who knows only her generation, remains always a child.  So we'll see what I learn about my past and what I learn about myself.

Also a little worried about it of course.  The last time I traveled to Romania (when I was 10 and my brother 7) my brother got very sick, the doctors through he had meningitis   It turned out to be food born illness.   The hospital treated us like kings because we were from the States, meaning we had toilet paper in the bathroom and clean IV needles.  It was scary for me, and must have been awful for my mom and dad (who had stayed home).

 So I'm bracing myself for something of the sort.  But otherwise very excited.  We've checked out books from the library on Romania, and are checking out blogs with pictures of places to see.  We'll be there in winter, and without time to visit enough.  But at least it is something.  At least I'll be able to reconnect with my old relatives.

If You Build it, They Will Come

Ninja warrior training course erected.  And, the neighborhood kids have begun flocking to our yard to climb on it.  Let's just hope the HOA keeps out of our hair.  I wonder how long it will take before someone complains about a rope course in front of the house.

This small influx of kids to play in our yard has encouraged my kids to spend much more time outside.  Since I've taken Kaio out of school, I've seen him nervous about being around other boys and girls.  His posture changes in the presence of kids playing: he slumps his shoulders and diverts his eyes.  Even at classes with other homeschoolers, I've noticed major apprehension to get close or talk to other kids.  I know he wants to be able to talk to the kids and joke around, but doesn't feel confident.  It's sad this has happened so young, and I'm not sure why.  I'm not sure if he was like this in school and that's why he didn't want to go anymore, or if this is a new development since he's been away from a consistent social group.

Part of the drama with friendships and kids has been around our across the street neighbor, a boy who is only a year and a half older than Kaio.  They used to play together years ago, but since school began, the neighbor does not invite Kaio over or come over to play.  Sometimes there will be kids playing in his yard, and Kaio will walk over, only to be told that he can't have anymore kids over at his house.  

This summer Kaio tried to talk to me about it, with difficultly explaining himself.  They both attended a nearby Vacation Bible School for a week.  Kaio stopped me on Wednesday before we entered the church and said, "Sometimes John (not real name) knows me, and sometimes he doesn't know me."  I attempted to give him some other words to help, "Yes, sometimes John pays attention to you and sometimes he ignores you."  

It became one of those moments of me trying to explain something that I don't feel wise enough to tackle.  What do you do when you like someone and they don't like you back?  When someone doesn't invite you to the party or to the neighborhood games?

I found myself resenting this little boy for making my boy feel left out.  But also knowing that there must be a reason for John excluding Kaio.  It could be something benign, like Kaio's just too energetic for his taste.  But if it is something malicious, like he's bullying Kaio, that only reflects on pain he's experiencing and trying to push on someone else, in which case I feel sorry for him. 

It's just become a weird dynamic.  John will pass by our house and Nala calls "Hi John!" to him, and he'll call back to her.  Kaio will be right there, but they'll ignore each other.  Last time this happened, Kaio looked at me, "I don't want to say hi to John."  I conveyed so much with so little words, "You don't have to Kaio, you don't have to."

In my kid who's still so lagged with his language development, we often have these cryptic conversations, where I'm not totally sure what he's saying, but I infer and then we go from there. 

That brings me to today.  An older neighbor boy came over to play on our tree.  John crossed the street and asked the boy if he would like to come over and play.  But the boy said no because he had to leave to football practice soon.  I saw John retract to his yard to be by himself.  It seemed like he banished himself instead of just sticking around and playing in our tree.   I regret not stepping in to invite him over.  

And I have to say that I felt some evil vindication with the whole thing.  I wish I were above that I really do, and hopefully next time I wont stare at him across the street by himself.  I will be gracious and proactive .  As we came inside for the evening, Kaio even said, out of nowhere,  "I want to invite John to my birthday party."  I guess he must have been remorseful of the payback as well.   

I know this is a part of growing up.  Kids are allowed to like and not like people.  Nala has some preferences when it comes to certain kids and speaks her mind about it.  I think her reactions sound amplified because she doesn't command language enough to tone it down with subtleties.  It's not a big deal, and it's a part of growing up.  I can't force my kids to like everyone or force other kids to like mine.

But, yeah, back to the rope swing.  It has been a huge hit!  A bridge to encouraging kids outside to play in the shade of the tree.  A conduit for imaginative play, innovation, and connection with nature.

Ingenuity

Fist thing Nala said this morning: "Can we do homeschool today?"
It's Saturday, but I said, "Ok, what do you want to do for homeschool today?"
Confidently she responded, "Whatever we want and whatever we like.... meow."  Then she rolled over and purred like a kitten.

Kaio spent the morning, last evening, and day before, and pretty much every free moment between; playing Bad Piggies and Angry Birds.  I peeked in occasionally on what he's up to.  He beat all the levels already and has now taken to playing in the sandbox arena building virtual vehicles.  If you're not familiar with the game, basically you have a set of parts (motors, wings, balloons, explosives, umbrellas, etc) that you can use to build any contraption you want.  You try to use your vehicle to transport piggy through the level and attain stars.  You have infinite number of times to build and rebuild.  It's a virtual world with infinite resources, how cool is that?! Kaio stopped caring about the stars and just builds things to see what will happen.

He builds trains, planes, and rockets that take off into the air and then explode.  He created a factory conveyor belt that takes parts from one spot to the next, and wacky devices that propel the piggy into painful situations.  He makes these things with no prompting from the game, and no reward that the game is giving him.  He doesn't try to get the stars anymore.  He just creates, for his own personal enjoyment.

Did you get that?  No one is telling him what the right answer is: he's just inventing as a pure expression of his ingenuity and humor. And he loves it.  And that means he's exercising his passion!


Two weeks into the school year and we've probably stepped off the bar chart of what 99% of Americans do, or think should be done by 1st grade children during school hours.  It may look like I don't give a fuck.  But, if you know me, you know that I've debated inside and out about what the goal of school and life should be.  I've fretted over making the right choices for my child till the cows come home.

And....... yeah maybe everyone is right, because I came to the conclusion that I don't give a fuck about standards, time tables, subjects, and a well-rounded education.  This is what I care about:

That place where wonder compels you to action.  Where excitement boils up from deep in your gut and shines through your smile.  Where you wake up to follow through on something you love to do.

 So when I see things like this, I think we're on the right track creating a space where the kids can express themselves:

Where they can choose how to spend their day based on what inspires them.

Where we can spend the morning finding the right amount of clay to suspend an angry bird balloon.

And then we feel accomplished.

1st Grade Unschool Kickoff

I caught a glimpse of the big yellow bus shooting past our bay window, the rumble of diesel vibrating the glass.  I had to stop and feel the moment, the second day of the new school year started and my 1st grader is not on that bus.  This time last year I held back tears when that bus shot by.  But this year I felt relief.  My boy still slept as the bus left, and when he woke up he became so engrossed in a video game that he didn't even want to break from it to eat breakfast.  I'm proud of this, happy to see that he has become so interested in something that he dedicates himself to it.  That's a skill he'll need in the future.

I had my moments of doubt in the ending weeks of August, where I worried that homeschooling was too much work for me and too much pressure on me to give the right answers all the time.  But I turned in the paperwork to the county anyway because I know that homeschooling is the best solution for Kaio's personality.  He doesn't need to be forced to sit at a table doing cute construction paper projects and worksheets.  He needs freedom to play. If we lived in Finland, then he wouldn't even be in school yet because they start compulsory education at seven years old.


And here Kaio is spending a big chunk of the day mastering Finland's greatest export: Angry Birds and Bad Piggies.

Yesterday he baked a cake, that we ate for dinner and breakfast.

oh, I could share the list of what he wants to learn about this year (the basis of which I used as the list of subjects I'm required to submit to the county).  But I think it's still too influenced by what he thinks you're supposed to learn in school.  We're still deschooling.

Nala and I painted.

Because I believe that if you can create your own space surrounded by art, then you will never be a slave to someone else's definition of success or value.  You'll always be immersed in beauty.

Inspiration

Because we are, because we can.  Here are some things we've been up to lately.  I hope they inspire.

Cardboard and Duct Tape Boat.  Iteration 1.

Sand Mandala

Sailing

Sometimes you don't have to go anywhere to be on vacation

Summer Love

Walking out in a tank top on a moonlit night as the eighty degree soft wind brushes against bare arms.  Clouds drift across the sky reflecting the light of the moon and carrying the tone of day-end peace.  I love summer nights.  I love the sounds of the crickets, cicadas, and frogs all doing their mysterious things behind the shadowed brush.  I love the pavement glistening damp and sheen orange from the street lamps.  I even love the city with sparkling side walks and laughter echoing from bar patios.

This summer has been so wonderful, I don't want it to turn fall.  As my kids have grown out of our bed, and sleep through the night, I've blossomed into a person again (not just a worn out mom).  Teaching Stand Up Paddleboard Yoga has been so good for me.  I'm outdoors on the water, surrounded by nature and doing yoga, at least three times a week.  I've finally got my pre-kid body back.  Really, I'm in the best shape of my life.  I have a freggin 6pack for the first time ever (I might have to pierce the belly button to give it some bling).  It's the luscious mix of eating naturally rich foods, flowing through yoga outdoors, being embraced by love from my family, and finding an outlet for exercising my personal driving passions.

Everyday that passes I breath gratitude into the spaces of momentary reflection because I know how lucky this is.  On the floor, forming tea cups out of rainbow sculpy, I realize how delicious it feels to do art side-by-side with the kids.  Every time I plop down to pick up those damn legos, I say a silent thank you to the universe for giving me the leeway to pick up those legos; because I still remember a time when that wasn't fathomable, when I was a mom stretched so thin that picking up legos by hand off the floor was not a sane option.

I know that luck is fragile and could flutter away at any moment.  I've seen many good families struck by indiscriminate challenges, and I don't think for a second that we are immune.  I wont ask for anything more and will just savor what we have right now... Except maybe for summer to linger a bit longer.  

I write this on a day that was almost so sucky.  Kaio and I fought like brother and sister.  My temper short, his actions incendiary.  It just sucked.  But I'm glad that I was able to catch a late night yoga class after Mari came home.  That fixed the spirit and reset the nerves.  Maybe Kaio wasn't incendiary in the first place, maybe I was just cranky.

That's really the ticket.  Taking care of myself by knowing when I need a break to recharge.  That has been the key to the success of this summer: spending time fostering the family's interests while also nurturing myself.  It feels like living with the kind of relish I remember from my indulgent youth.   Each action worthy of the moment, even when just hanging around the house watching TV.  There's intention, honest joy and the days pass as plump, sweet peaches.

Kriya in Sanskrit translates to "action."  For me it signifies a state of recognition of the action of each moment as a choice.  Even sleep is an action, as you are making a choice to sleep.  During sleep you breath, engage in REM, and relax your muscles.  Sitting on the sofa, watching TV you are recognizing the importance of that moment as a valuable step in your life.  That could be learning something yourself or sharing in some cuddle time while watching a show that someone else likes.  Kriya, is living with intention, and through this you feel the energy (prana, qi) flowing through your body.  That is action.  That is being a master of your domain.