Saturday, August 22, 2009

Riding Synergy

About a month ago I consulted the I Ching. I was considering switching from Nalini's daycare to a nanny friend. I could not shake a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, the place that usually houses my intuition. But, the I Ching told me that if I made the change to the nanny, synergy would follow. And I decided to take its advice.
We are just a few weeks into the change, but I do feel a harmony. The discordant fabrics of my life and our home are now peacefully patch worked together. My commute is down to only 15 minutes each way. The house is clean everyday and the dishes are done, which gives me so much more time to play with the kids. I can water the plants in the morning before work. I can pick up Kaio from daycare if I miss him. Kaio now plays by himself and does not need 100% supervision. Things have gotten much easier. Mariano and I are loving and enamored by the cuteness of our children. Plus I'm changing jobs And I'm going to Panama for a week before starting my new job! I'm excited to travel again and rekindle my love for adventure and exploration.
I still have not shaken the bad feeling in my stomach about the nanny. I think it may have something to do with me knowing that Nalini's daycare was better for her (she liked it more) than she likes being alone with her nanny. I hope that I made the right decision. At the present moment it appears we florish.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Stay the Course

So much has happened in the last two weeks in my quest to get my life back on track. I got accepted into acupuncture school. Yippee! But I'm not going to go... I know that sounds totally nuts considering some of my past posts. But, I had a coffee with a wonderful girl, my age, also a mother, and an acupuncturist who went to the school that I applied for. Well, after speaking with her, I've decided that that school is not for me. The school does not have a research department, and research is important to me. If I am going to pay $50K for a grad school program then it damn well better be the experience that I am looking for. Plus, when I interviewed at the school they gave me the class schedule. Classes are from 8-5 two days a week. The school is about a 1.5 hour commute from my house, so I would be away from my kids for 12 hours on those days. It's just not practical while I am nursing. And I don't want to stop nursing.
So I am going to wait for a year or two untill the kids are a little older. I plan on going to another school, probably in another city. There are some other very good schools around the country and most of them are even less expensive than the one in this area.
Oh I'm so stoked about having a plan!
That same week, I got a job offer for another company, same line of work. But it seems like it may be a place that I will enjoy working a little more. and I'll get paid more, so I can try to save up for acupuncture school. Just knowing that I have a goal and plan that seems attainable is really uplifting.
So last week I told my current employer that I am leaving for another position. Since then people have been telling me all kinds of nice things. Like that I am the best QA person they have ever had. Now people are starting to make me feel appreciated, make me feel like I have actually been making a difference in my little world and helping people, helping make the product better. Usually I just feel like a waste of space and a waste of US tax dollars. The lead software engineer actually offered to be a reference for me and said that he thinks the project will really suffer without me. It is nice to hear, and it has boosted my confidence that maybe I am good at something and capable of making things better, and that staying in software IT for a little longer is not a total waste of time.
If I can do some good things for the IT world, for my coworkers, and provide a good healthy lifestyle for my kids, then maybe I can hold back my dissatisfaction with the QA career track for a little while. we'll see.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Sweet thoughts on time and love

We used to make love to candle light, but now we make love to the light of the nightlight. I would say that it is strikingly less romantic and more practical, given our current circumstances; but tonight the hue of the nightlight was reminding me of the glow from the street light and the moon the first time we ever made love. It was this exact same tone. I remember the way it made his skin sparkle like lake water in the moonlight; deep, calm, and mysterious.
Now so much has changed since that day. I can't believe that we have two kids, two cars, a house, jobs, plants and stuff. I think it is amazing to think of all the time and space between this moment and the past, and yet it feels so identical and clear. I guess this is where the phrase ' i remember it like it was yesterday' comes from. After 7 years, 3000 miles, a college diploma, trekking the Andes, two kids, two dead relatives, one cancer surviving aunt, five weddings, and did I mention two kids yet? - because that's important. - after all this and more, we're still lying on a mattress thrown on the floor, naked and holding each other. If I could have seen a window in to the future on that day, what would I have done?
I think I definitely would have still taken the blue pill and fallen in to this magical dream, that seemed so crazy at the time but has followed with so much love all around.
Kaio woke up as I was dozing to sleep with that loving train of thoughts in my head. He was making noises in his room, and we decided to invite him to come into bed with us. Nalini was in the crib next to the bed, but in the middle of the night I brought her in bed to feed. In the morning we were all there, sleeping in what ever direction gave us a spot, and sharing some corner of a pillow. I wish that my camera had juice because I definitely would have taken a picture to post with this posting.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Parents just don't understand

At a later conversation my mom again attempted to derail my plans by firmly stating that 'you can't change your career and focus on your family. You have to pick one. ' She means that if I want to change my career then I have to continue working full time and take classes in the evening. Which would mean that I could never see my kids. 'You can't have both, it has to be one or the other.'
These conversations with her were really getting to me, until I realized that parents are supposed to be suspicious, antagonizing, and play the devil's advocate. And children should provide the same service to parents, like when I told my mom not to pay for the plane ticket for her internet boyfriend to visit her in America for a month. She did not follow my advice. That ended in disaster, with the guy being a total male chauvinist whom she served like a king the entire time. He never reimbursed her for the plane ticket and when he got back to Romania he wrote her an email about how ugly she was.
Actually I've been following my parents advice constantly. Here are some gems that particularly remember:
"Buy the house, real estate is the safest investment, it will always go up in value" - mom 2006
"Purchase the most expensive house you can afford because the value will increase more than cheaper houses." - dad 2006
They are also the ones who got me into IT.
Maybe i should stop following their advice for a while? Maybe their knowledge is like the dinosaurs.


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