Repress the Urge to Yell

Short sleeves - 65 degrees in Late Nov -  nice

When I was a kid I had a major blow out with my parents every Christmas.  I remember my cousin even asking me what my problem was.  Why did I always freak out at holidays? I believe the emotion and excitement drove me to act like a nut.  It seems, age hasn't done much to taper this tendency.  This Thanksgiving I found myself in a fight with Kaio.  Trying to remember what happened... Can't remember... it must have been really dumb.

This whole last week has been a regression for me as a mom.  I've still got a pretty long fuse, but when it reaches the end, I unleash a flurry of screams like a hyper-sonic weapon.  Day after Thanksgiving we were scheduled to go celebrate and eat at Dad's house.  Kaio refused to take a shower.  This would be the second time that he's put up such a blockade since we returned from Brazil.  Which makes me think... 'has he only taken two baths since we got back from Brazil?'  I think he's taken three but the first one did not involve a fight.  So, see, I only make him take one a week.  He should be thankful for that.  But he's not.  And really I shouldn't expect him to be thankful for anything cause kids don't realize what they're granted unless you explain.

So he refused to get in the bath.  I tried being playful, I tried reasoning on the importance of higene, I tried giving him his bathing suit to wear in the tub, I tried letting him take his time... 20 minutes later I get him in the bathroom but he's not undressing or making any advances.  I start to loose patience.
"Get in the tub Kaio, get in the bath tub."
It's full of water, Nala's been in there for 10 minutes already, it's getting cold.
This being the second time I'd had to invest 20 minutes of breath and speech persuading, I felt much less patience and much more frustration.  He hissed at me like a lion.  And I roared, "GET IN THE BATH TUB NOW!!!!"
"I'm giving you three seconds and if you are not in there, I will take off your clothes and put you in there myself!"
"3-2-1"
Second thought, taking off the clothes would be too difficult.  I grabbed him and dropped him in the tub, clothing and all.
Mari came back inside from chopping wood and took over the situation.  I could have left it at that, but felt uncontrollably compelled to storm back into the bathroom and get a few more words in:
"I'd rather have an angry kid than a stinky one!"

Later on after the kids were clean, snug and dressed, Mari came to tell me he thinks I shouldn't yell like that anymore, "It looks like you are out of control."
I was making holiday cookies in the kitchen.  I stirred the dough, and tried not to get defensive, but it came out anyway.  "This is the second time I've spent 20 minutes conversing to get him to take a bath.  I'm not taking a smelly kid to my dad's house."
Mari, "He likes taking a shower more than a bath, he left the tub and went in our room to take a shower."
Me, "That's fine, he can take a shower.  All he has to do is say he wants a shower."
We went on.  And I realized that I must have looked like a crazy woman yelling at Kaio.  If there had been a hidden video camera in the house taping us, Super Nanny would be in her funny little black car, saying something like, "It looks like this mum desperately needs my help and I'm on my way now."

Then yesterday I yelled again.  In the car, Kaio was upset because we made a trip to Target for x-mas lights and I wouldn't buy him a new lego toy.  He reluctantly placed the toy back on the shelf and as we walked out of the store the pout face turned to sniffles and then full on crying.  Trying to help alleviate his suffering, I lovingly picked him up to carry him to the car, "Sorry you're upset Kaio but you know that you'll get some toys from Santa."
Thinking about Christmas just caused the crying to surge and in the car he bucked around, not letting my mom buckle his seat belt.  I was sitting in the passenger seat and turned at him to scream.  "SIT IN YOUR SEAT RIGHT NOW!"
It worked he sat in his seat, and began to calm down.  In a few minutes he apologized and then told me to calm down.  "I'm sorry mom.  But you need to calm down.  Don't yell at me."

My mom then began her intervention, "You shouldn't yell at him like that.  What if someone saw you?  You'd be arrested for verbal abuse."
Again I went on the defense and made a case for why it's important to correct children and keep them from hurting themselves.

She conceded.
But that night I didn't feel settled.  I sat to read the yoga sutras.  The particular section discussed how we are born as divine beings in a natural state of joy, but as we grow experiences cloud our judgement and cause us to forget our divinity.  I thought of how my actions of repressing Kaio's desires and then yelling, probably left him feeling minuscule and inferior.  What if I'm stripping his joy out by habitually inflicting reality?  My yelling certainly would eat away his confidence and cause him to forget that he is a beautiful joyous being.
I remembered what a happy baby and toddler he used to be.  I'd joke that his name derived from the word 'gay.'  Nowadays materialism overshadows his happiness throughout the day.

Then I thought of a story one of my yoga teachers, author and yoga master Max Strom, had told at an ethics workshop.


I had friend who refused to try yoga.  When I asked him why, he said, "Because I used to live bellow a yoga teacher, and she would get into the wildest fights with her boyfriend.  If that is what yoga does to you, I want nothing to do with it."
As yoga teachers we need to be ambassadors of the philosophy and live respectfully and ethically.

I realized how unacceptable my yelling is.  Not that I yell often or anything, but something about the holidays triggers those extreme emotions.  I think that's why I've lost it a few times this week.

Understanding now that I need to live the example of calm and wise.  Break out of the habit of falling back on screaming.

at ZooLights DC Zoo

Kaio is five now and I'm struggling a bit with what that means.  I feel like he's too old for me to be ordering him around, but at the same time he occasionally behaves damaging on his own accord.  Like Sunday night Mari and I went to run an errand.  He stayed home with my mom.  We returned home to find that he had eaten all the holiday cookies himself, leaving none for Nala.  he'd also found the Halloween lolypops and some other candy in the pantry and had been binging.  He was totally sugar high, laughing into the air every few minutes like a clown with Tourette syndrome.

I found this pretty hilarious, but still tossed all the remaining candy in the garbage after he went to bed.

Then today I caught him snacking on chocolate chips.

I just don't know what to do.  Do I have to keep telling him, "don't do that."  Can't he self regulate now?

I don't want to be controlling him all the time, but he's not demonstrating healthy decisions.

At night he sat on the floor, building a helicopter with Mari.  So peaceful, so excited.  He'd totally forgotten about seat belt altercation of earlier.  It is as if he'd returned to his natural state of joy.  The place where kids should reside.  Where we all should reside.

This week I'm going to work on maintaining that state as much as posible.  And repressing my yelling.  Firm but loving will be my mantra.

Not Guilty

Today I felt guilty.  Guilty for being able to stay home and hang out with the kids all day long.  For not having to rush around stressed out, constantly late.  For being able to live slowly and indulge in the world of childhood.

Then I realized I felt guilty when I was working too.  I felt guilty for making lots of money at something that came relativity easy.  Felt guilty for not loving my job enough to give 100%, but still climbing the ladder faster than some people who really cared. 

 

So what's the deal?  Do I need to suffer to live guilt free?  

Why would I want to suffer?  Does it bring some form of satisfaction or awakening?  

Why should you run a marathon when you could just stand on the finish line dancing?  

Maybe I should just take 'run a marathon' off of my bucket list.

Halcyon Monday

My brother arrived back home today.  He seemed ok.  Kaio cried in the parking lot in the rain when it was time to leave.

Nala dressed up in a ridiculous gaudy dress that my mom picked up on her last cruise.  She wanted me to take some pictures.  She covered herself in plastic jewelry and accessories.  Mari thinks she looks like a little gypsy.

Following some advice from Nischala Joy Devi, we erected an alter to remind us who we are, what we treasure and believe in.  She suggested incorporating the five elements (air, fire, water, earth, and spirit).  But fire just ain't working for us.  First of all, Mari thinks it's a fire hazard.  Secondly Kaio's turning into a pyro.  After a day of staring, fiddling, extinguishing and relighting; I just got too nervous.  He has not done anything wrong or set anything on fire.  I'm just too nervous that he might try to burn something (like I did as a kid).  I know myself well enough to not trust him with fire!  Isn't that awful?  So tonight we said goodbye to the fire, and I tried to explain it wasn't him, it was me being way too nervous and not trusting myself to remember to keep track of the fire and turn it off when we leave the room.

So I think we'll get one of those electric candles, or an image of fire... something safer.    

Warm drizzling rain, a long slow day.  Days like today I wish I could sing.  I lust for the gift of a beautiful voice.  I'd sing lullabies to the kids at night as they float off to dream.  

Heart Burning Like a Light Bulb

I burst into tears as she entered the room.  WTF is happening?  Nothing like that has ever happened before.  I'm not a crier.  But when Nischala Joy Devi walked into the room, long wispy white hair, regal purple achkan and tights, I couldn't control the tears.

At the workshop break, I asked on of my yoga teachers.

She said that people carry an energy and those energies affect us. Nischala's energy must have done that to me.

At lunch, I apprehensively approached Nischala to tell her of my experience.  And broke out in tears again!  This time I completely lost it. Completely, uncontrollably, sobbing!

"Aren't heart opening experiences great." She said with a huge smile.

When she hugged me I felt like a child cuddling against her chest for some kind of comfort and security.  My heart burned like a 160 watt light bulb.  Not one of those cool florescent lights.  The old incandescent style that get hot and need high voltage.  It was so weird!

I wasn't as embarrassed as distraught and confused, "This has never happened before.  I haven't even read your book."

Ok, maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to her.

"You're like a ripe pomegranate, ready to fall from the tree and juicy."

So that's was nice to hear.

Today she commented that I looked like I was glowing.

What powerful sensations yoga awakens in me.  I wasn't even going to write about yoga today.  My next post was supposed to be about Nala's imaginary friends...  Next time.

Fighting Gravity with Good Posture

Gravity can be an amazing beautiful thing when taking a walk through the autumn forest.  The sound of crunchy leaves rustling at your feet while the colorful confetti falls from the tall trees.  All this beautiful magic brought to you by the sun and gravity.

But a lifetime of gravity's pressure on your body pulls you down, compressing the gaps between your spine vertebrae  and reducing the lubricating fluid.  Our tendencies to hold a certain posture result from an expression of our personality and compensation for injuries and gravity; bodies are lazy and they'll fall into the stance of least work.  Less muscle work sets us deeper in crooked ways.

Inversions are such powerful poses in yoga, they reverse gravity, sending our wrinkles and organs upside down.  Inversions counterbalance the effects of gravity, and boy do they feel good (although headstands can be harsh on your neck, so mix up the inversions and don't do a headstand everyday).

Actually most of yoga practice encourages longevity of your body.  One of the students in my teacher training is 72 years old, she's been practicing yoga for 30 years and she hangs through the 1.5hr intense classes with the rest of us!  On Saturday we had a hardcore evening practice centered on stability and grounding through the feet.  It was so vigorous that I was sweating (and I'm not a sweater), I worried about our 72 yr old friend MJ.  But after class she was all smiles.

I had to say, "MJ that was a really tough practice! I hope I'm in as good shape as you are when I'm your age."

"Keep doing this and you will be." She said with a big smile.

Last weekend's yoga workshop was taught by guest yogi Jamie Elmer of First Ray Yoga.  Can I say how much I love that the teach training program I chose brings in famous guest teachers from all over the States, I love that!  So Jamie came in to teach muscular and skeletal anatomy applied to yoga postures.  She also trained us on how to stand up for longevity.  How to stand in a posture that keeps back and body healthy.  Now I want to share this priceless info with you.

Try in front of a mirror if possible.

Sorry for the crummy picture

We're going to start from the feet, since feet are the base of every bone in your body.  If the basis is off, then the temple wont be stable.  Misalignment in your feet can flow downstream, prompting pain in your knees, hips, and on.  My aunt suffered from headaches until an osteopath discovered the headaches were caused by a misalignment in her knee!  So something off with your base can have far reaching consequences.

Position your feet hip distance apart.  Usually a little wider than you originally think.  Do your feet naturally splay out or invert?  Point them so both second toes face front... Unless that's painful, in which case don't do this exercise, I don't want to hurt you!

Once you feet are hip distance apart and facing front wiggle your toes.  Focus on distributing the weight of your body on all four corners of your foot, but not your toes.  Imagine your foot is a car, you want all four wheels holding equal weight.

Now look at your knees.  Are they locked?  Unlock them by letting a breath of air rest behind them.   If they are facing any direction other than straight ahead, position them forward.  If this is painful or too difficult then  you can angle the foot a bit.

Lets talk about the pelvis.

Feel for the front of your two hip bones, near the sides of your waist line.   Now feel for your pelvic bone, which is basically, uhh, right above the crotch.  Those three points should all be on the same plane, perpendicular to the floor.  So tilt in what ever direction needed to get those points completely parallel with the wall in front of you.

Also, relax the bum.  Don't tighten the bum.

Imagine the pelvis is a bowl suspended by the legs pedestal.  You want the rib cage hovering directly over that bowl.  For most people that means lifting and tilting forward, as if you are being lifted up and over by your bra strap.  It may feel like you are hunched over, but really, you are becoming more straight... look in a mirror.  Stretch out your spine, imagine someone is pulling the back of your head up with a string.

Now Breath.

Roll the shoulders back so the shoulder blades are flat as can be, without pinching them behind you.  It should feel different, but not forceful.

Lift your chin up a bit directing the head straight ahead.

Breath again.

Imagine the spine stretching up while the feet drive into the ground beneath you.

This posture, Tadasana (mountain pose):

• Aligns the spine
• Opens the chest
• Strengthens your arches, ankels, knees and thighs
• Tones the abs and bum muscles

Standing in Tadasana is not easy, but incorporating the posture into daily life will help reverse the effects of gravity on the spine and save back pain.  Joint pain comes from reduced cartilage and fluid due to compression over time.  Using the erector muscles along the back to add space between the bones will allow the body to maintain fluid between vertebrae and prevent wear down.  One visualization that helps me is to imagine placing a breath between each vertebrae  It sure makes you look and feel taller.

Hope that helps others!

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and no information provided in this post should take the place of medical guidance.  This post provides DIY tips but personal adjustment by a yoga teacher trumps any info provided here.  If anything hurts, please cease :). Namaste.

Mari's Massive Family

First full day back just me ad the kids without the extra 12 of the closest extended family people around to keep them entertained.  Having lots of support in Brazil was super nice since I could sleep in and take off on projects in the city.  

One of the first nights we were there the kids fell asleep in bed with their Tia Dida (one of Mari's 2 sisters).  It seemed like a completely normal thing to be doing.  Then that next morning, I lay awake realizing how not normal that is.  I certainly didn't have that close a relationship with my aunts and uncles.  I still turned out great (some might say, lol).  But I believe it would have been sweeter to enjoy a larger circle of love.  So I feel really lucky that the kids get to enjoy a close relationship with their tias, aunts and uncles.  Plus there is grandma who's back from her two month long trip across the Atlantic.  

Mari grew up with a pack of cousins all in the same neighborhood.  His mom's side of the family is so close, she occasionally breastfed almost all the 9 cousins at one point or another and served as wet nurse for 2 of them.  They all had such a joyful and mischievous childhood that they keep talking about Kaio and Nala needing some cousins to roll with.  Unfortunately, doesn't look that that will be happening anytime soon and I'm not holding my breath.  My kids will just have to befriend the neighbors or something. 

We got Nala baptized while we were down there.  A few of Mari's family came to show their support:

Nala didn't really like it.  Especially after the priest got water in her eyes.

Then we came home to celebrate Kaio's 5th birthday party.  

I bit my lip on the sweets and let them make the party Brazilian style, even if it meant the kids were sugar high all day.  We've been detoxing since them :).

I tried to make a pinata for him.  And it actually worked!

Then there is Tia Manga (one of Mari's younger cousins).  Kaio developed an almost immediate affinity to her.  She spent the month practically living with us and usually sleeping next to Kaio, since he would complain anytime she was away, "Where's Tia Manga?  I want Tia Manga." 

Super Cute!

Heart Center Opened, Love Opened.

Happiness, like love, is hard to define; but when you feel it you know it.  On the plane back from Brazil I realized I'm truly happy right now.

We're back in the USA.  Made it back yesterday and proud to say that I survived a 9000 mile, 24 hour trip alone with two little kids.  Airports suck, layovers suck, gates switching on you without warning or appearing on the television suck, crowded airplanes with center seats and kids sitting on your lap begging to go potty while the plane is on the tar mat in a long line for take off - suck.  But all in all I'm giving the voyage an A since nothing really bad happened.  There were a few nice people who offered to help along the way.  Just simply keeping an eye on our bags while I toke one of the kids to the bathroom for the 3rd time that hour was a huge help!  Then yesterday when Nala fell asleep before boarding and I needed both hands to move her on the plane; there was a nice man who wheeled our carry-on for us.

"I don't ask God for anything, everyday I just thank him for all that we have."

During our goodbyes at the airport, that was the last thing Mari's mom said - with a huge smile and her hands pressed against her chest embracing her heart. It has stuck with me like a cozy sweater.  I'm so grateful right now.  Sitting here on the sofa, in the silence, I'm shinning through my chest and heart with love, happiness, and gratuity.



























On the plane ride I stared at the sleeping children feeling happiness.  Happiness, like love, is hard to define; but when you feel it you know it.  Happiness is different than fun.  You can have fun, but not be happy or joyful.

On the plane I realized I'm truly happy right now.  

So thankful for getting laid off of my job and pushed to spend more time exploring the world with my kids and less time dressed in suits sitting in boring meetings.  The last four months have been so fun and made me realize how fantastic the kids are.  They've also rekindled my motherly intuition and made me recognize that I'm a really great mom too.  I don't feel overwhelmed so much anymore, and this successful trip validated how cohesive we've become.  I'm just so grateful to have this opportunity and for Mari being supportive.

And speaking of Mari, I'm so head-over-heels in love.

As a little girl I dreamed about my husband and dreamed of being in love, but I had no idea...  I mean it seems like every year we peel through another layer of emotion and unity, binding us deeper and more passionately.

I believe in love at first sight.  I thought I loved him when I first saw him from afar though the dull glimmer of dark humid air on florescent light.  Through the noise of the party we sought each other out all night long talking and smiling.

I have so much to be thankful for right now:
Yoga teacher training, amazing extended family, loving and supportive husband.
oh and
The kids are potty trained, they go to bed without issue and sleep through the night!

Life is so much easier.

I don't know what I did to deserve this great life.  But thank you universe.

Brazil Diary - Being in Tia Cela's Wedding

Reading the last few posts, you'd barely believe I'm a mama.  There has been virtually no mention of my kids.  But they're here and I'm thankful for having family and friends who care about us and take the time to invite the kids into their homes and worlds.

Kaio and Nala were invited to participate in Mari's cousin, Tia Cela's, wedding.   I felt honored that she would think of us even though we live so far away.  I also felt a little hesitant about how Kaio would react; he's  such a spaz attack sometimes.  But after spending a month here with Mari's family I'm learning that Mari did so many of the exact same things as Kaio.  

Actually at this same age Tia Cela's mom married and invited Mari to be a paige in the ceremony.  Mari's dad declined, "No that's not a good idea, that won't end well." 

So he attended the wedding as a regular guest.

Then actually at her wedding reception party Mari somehow escaped and left the building.  The whole wedding party came to a hault and turned into a search party.  They found him acrross the street sitting between a couple on bench, interrupting their date.

Soooo when Kaio had a breakdown at the fitting, refusing to try on his suit and Mari and I coaxed and eventually lost our patience.  Tia Cela's mom looked over at Mari and said, "Go easy on the boy, Mari.  You at his age would have been running around the store pulling all the dresses off the racks."

Meanwhile Nala was in princess heaven dressed and getting fitted in her white princess dress.  She just stared wistfully into the mirror.  Then they brought her a crown, which made her 10x more dreamy.  There were three girls and three boys in the wedding.  The seamstress brought Nala's crown out first, and Nala, so precious, asked "where is the other princess's crown?"  We had to pry her dress off her, bribing her with promise of a trip to the ice cream shop.

In the days leading to the wedding, i tried my technique of drawing pictures to prepare and explain the event to Kaio.  I drew him getting dressed in his suit and walking down the isle.  But he just kept angrily insisting that he did not want to be in the wedding and drew big X's over my picture.  

So the night of the wedding I was not expecting much.  Just hoping he would change his mind and man up to the occasion, support Tia Cela and make her a happy bride.  When it was time to get dressed Nala hopped right into her dress, socks, shoes, panties, crown, and ran out to strut around the living room like a Toddlers in Tiaras contestant.  Kaio saw all the attention she was getting and ran off to get dressed too.

Our fabulous head start broke down as both kids eventually revolted and ripped off their clothes!  I think they were hot and stuffy or something.  We convinced Nala to get dressed again, but Kaio threw a fit.  We spent so much time trying to console him that we didn't realize we were running late for the wedding!  Finally, on threat of leaving, he decides he wants to come.  I get him dressed in traffic in the back seat of the car.  Then this happened:

I guess that's what happens when a wedding is scheduled for 7:30pm.  We arrived at quarter to 8.  And almost no one was there....  Yup, that's Brazilian time, folks are at least an hour late.  

The wedding ceremony began a little after 8:30 and to my complete surprise Nala ended up being the one who chickened out.  

She'd done great in rehearsal.  But the mix of sleepy, bright lights, and lots of fancy dressed people scared her like a turtle into its shell.  She completely refused to walk down the isle no matter what we said.  

Kaio, however, insisted that he wanted to go. 

And he went even though his date, like Nala, also became to timid to walk and ditched him at the isle.  So he took hands with Tia Cela's sweet younger sister.  

I was near the end of the isle and when he saw me he burst into tears, "I don't want to be married!"

"But Kaio, you're not married yet.  It's Cela's wedding, not yours."

Still crying, "I don't want to be married."

All this time we thought he was being reclusive, but really, he thought by walking down the isle he was getting married and he just didn't want to get married.   Pretty amazing that a boy, who's only 5 years old, can have such an aversion to marriage already.  We're thinking that something must have happened in a past life!

So he calmed and we went off to the reception where he spent the night bouncing from table to table visiting with the pretty ladies.  Then he spent the second half of the evening following the bride around, holding her hand, trying to dance with her when the groom wasn't looking...  

I kept thinking: if we make it through the night without history repeating itself and him escaping the building and stopping the party, then tonight is a success.   (Mari's mom made sure to check with the door man that they weren't going to be letting any kids out without parent's in tow.)

When Nala saw Kaio mingling with the bride, she honed in as well.  My kids followed the white princess around from table to table, trying to sneak into all the photo ops.  Tia Cela later came up to me to comment on how great they were and what positive energy they brought to the party.   

It felt really good to hear that.   

Being here with Mari's family and hearing the stories of the trouble he and his cousins got into, well it's exactly the antidote i needed for all the uncertainty I've had as a mom.  The 'is this normal?' feeling i got around some other kids.   Kaio's pretty different from some of the other boys I know in the US, but he's no great difference from his dad.  And that's a wonderful, fabulous thing in my book, and the best I could hope for!   

Brazil Diary - Dancing Girls!

Went out clubing last night with a some friends (well really they're in-laws but that term never sounds nice) and felt like a major dork for not knowing how to dance. The funny thing is that by US standards, I do dance and probably a know a bit more than most girls in the States since I can Salsa and Meringue.  But here that means diddly.  Walking into the club was like walking into a Dirty Dancing movie.  The place was packed and skinny girls in short skirts were being twirled, flung and shaking their tushies like belly dancers to the beat.  I could have happily sat and stared in awe all night, but the lady was singing, the acordianist was playing, the percussionist was boogieing, and the keyboardist, well he was yauning but I'll pretend I didn't see that.  So I shook my tush in a pair of strapy platforms and a strapless babydoll.

Maybe I could have caught on by the end of the night if the band had stuck with one type of music.  But these guys' repetoire resembled a child's colorful sock drawer.  They played Forro, Pagode, Samba, Rock, Brega, Certainaga, and Reggae.  The DJ played Techno, Pop, Trance and Balle Funk.  They even busted out some Beattles and Village People (at which point I took a break).  Every dance has a different beat and step and if you ask a Brazilian how it goes, they'll do some fancy crazy footwork thing totally expecting you to be able to follow.  Here you might be a freak or at least culturally deprived if you don't know how to dance by the time you're 5.  

Oh boy did I miss Mari.  You'd think that girls night out on the town looking all sassy would bring you back to fun and crazy ladies night at the frats.  Although it may have served to stoke my ego a little bit (a good thing, right?)  It just ain't the same when the girls are old married or have BFs.  And I realized again that I just don't really like dancing with anyone other than my man.  Especially not the crotch touching sensual Latin dirty dancing movie mambo.  And when I fumbled out of sync doing some new step with one of my SIL's friends he looked at me like I was lying to him and pretending I didn't know how to dance. A few minutes later he said goodbye and left the party! That's how unbelievable it is to be a girl that doesn't know how to dance around here.

So if you come to Brazil, take a few dancing classes first and bring your party clothes.  It's such a blast!