Summer Love

Walking out in a tank top on a moonlit night as the eighty degree soft wind brushes against bare arms.  Clouds drift across the sky reflecting the light of the moon and carrying the tone of day-end peace.  I love summer nights.  I love the sounds of the crickets, cicadas, and frogs all doing their mysterious things behind the shadowed brush.  I love the pavement glistening damp and sheen orange from the street lamps.  I even love the city with sparkling side walks and laughter echoing from bar patios.

This summer has been so wonderful, I don't want it to turn fall.  As my kids have grown out of our bed, and sleep through the night, I've blossomed into a person again (not just a worn out mom).  Teaching Stand Up Paddleboard Yoga has been so good for me.  I'm outdoors on the water, surrounded by nature and doing yoga, at least three times a week.  I've finally got my pre-kid body back.  Really, I'm in the best shape of my life.  I have a freggin 6pack for the first time ever (I might have to pierce the belly button to give it some bling).  It's the luscious mix of eating naturally rich foods, flowing through yoga outdoors, being embraced by love from my family, and finding an outlet for exercising my personal driving passions.

Everyday that passes I breath gratitude into the spaces of momentary reflection because I know how lucky this is.  On the floor, forming tea cups out of rainbow sculpy, I realize how delicious it feels to do art side-by-side with the kids.  Every time I plop down to pick up those damn legos, I say a silent thank you to the universe for giving me the leeway to pick up those legos; because I still remember a time when that wasn't fathomable, when I was a mom stretched so thin that picking up legos by hand off the floor was not a sane option.

I know that luck is fragile and could flutter away at any moment.  I've seen many good families struck by indiscriminate challenges, and I don't think for a second that we are immune.  I wont ask for anything more and will just savor what we have right now... Except maybe for summer to linger a bit longer.  

I write this on a day that was almost so sucky.  Kaio and I fought like brother and sister.  My temper short, his actions incendiary.  It just sucked.  But I'm glad that I was able to catch a late night yoga class after Mari came home.  That fixed the spirit and reset the nerves.  Maybe Kaio wasn't incendiary in the first place, maybe I was just cranky.

That's really the ticket.  Taking care of myself by knowing when I need a break to recharge.  That has been the key to the success of this summer: spending time fostering the family's interests while also nurturing myself.  It feels like living with the kind of relish I remember from my indulgent youth.   Each action worthy of the moment, even when just hanging around the house watching TV.  There's intention, honest joy and the days pass as plump, sweet peaches.

Kriya in Sanskrit translates to "action."  For me it signifies a state of recognition of the action of each moment as a choice.  Even sleep is an action, as you are making a choice to sleep.  During sleep you breath, engage in REM, and relax your muscles.  Sitting on the sofa, watching TV you are recognizing the importance of that moment as a valuable step in your life.  That could be learning something yourself or sharing in some cuddle time while watching a show that someone else likes.  Kriya, is living with intention, and through this you feel the energy (prana, qi) flowing through your body.  That is action.  That is being a master of your domain.

Flunked Power Yoga

Four people walked out of my yoga class today.  I had been feeling pretty elated about my yoga set this morning during my home practice and thought others would enjoy it too.  As the fourth person rolled up her mat and left, I began feeling deflated.  I pushed through a big smile though and tried to focus on the moment, even though the little voice in the back of my head was saying things like, "you must be really bad at this."

Well after the class was over, three ladies rushed at me with huge smiles and thank yous.  One lady went on about how much she enjoyed it, wondering when I would teach next so could she take all my classes.  I received sincere looks of gratitude from the chunk of people who had stuck through the whole class.

It is so nice to receive positive feedback.  It helps give me confidence that I'm not wasting someone's time.  I truly love sharing yoga with people, but it can be so stressful to put myself out there in front of a group.

The class I was teaching today was a Power Yoga class at a gym.  I don't really even know what a Power Yoga class is, and maybe that's the reason that people left.  I imagine they must be looking for a more high energy class than the one I cued.  But that's ok, I just need to always remind myself of the spectrum of different tastes.  Although one person may not enjoy it, there are many others out there who will.

ohmmmmmmmmm

I heard a buzzing noise coming from the classroom, so I peeked in.   And found this:

 A little yogini, ohming alop the table.

And here's Kaio's lotus pose:

I guess I'm indoctrinating them.

Yoga Jammin

I know how to golf.  Like for real.
My dad's a golfer and I grew up hanging out on the green with him during vacations.  I'd play in the sand traps, putt on the green, and eventually when I got older even drive the golf cart around and play the full 18 holes.

I stopped playing golf pretty much as soon as I turned old enough to not tag along with my dad places.
I don't miss it at all, I never found it exciting.  Golf's not really exciting.  I mean, driving the golf cart around was pretty awesome.  But hitting and chasing a ball from one spot to another, just doesn't really tickle me.

But, what was cool was how my dad shared his passions.  He brought me along to watch and participate, showing that kids and adult fun can exist in the same realm, and that I could be apart of his present identity.  He showed me what fun looked like to him, and this also forced me to see adults as individuals and not just as people out there to serve, feed and fertilize children.

As boring as golf seemed, I don't remember hating it.  I remember feeling engaged and a part of something vastly green and adult.  And peaceful on many levels.

And I'd like to share things like that with my kids.

Which is why I've been looking for kid friendly yoga events.  It's not simple, cause typically yoga practice is held in studios, where people need to be silent, so they can focus internally and hear their breath.  Just try to focus with a kid in the room, "mom, I need to go potty.  mom, i'm hungry.  mom, what's that pose called?"
So immediately after finding out about this kid-friendly yoga and music festival in Southern VA called Floyd Yoga Jam, I bat the eyelashes at Mari to go.  Surprisingly, he didn't take much convincing.  He seemed pretty stoked with the idea.

And when Friday morning departure time came, I heard him playing some weird new age Tibenan classical meditation karma music as he packed up the car.

Kaio and Nala came along because I sold it as a 'Yoga Festival' and they always have fun at festivals. But Kaio kept insisting their would be monster trucks there.  Not sure why, but his imagination does wish almost any truck on the road into a monster truck.  When I told him the name of the festival was Yoga Jam, well that got him really upset.  He thought we were taunting him about Monster Jam.
Anyway.

Although it seemed like a tough first day for them (they left Saturday morning to drive around town) after that they seemed to relax into the pace and freedom.  The kids loved staying up late dancing at the concerts.  They didn't really do any yoga.  Nala went to one class but sat on the mat the whole time playing with grass.  I loved seeing that they could exist for a couple days without TV or computers.

Kaio loved slacklining.  I'm thinking of setting something up in the back yard.

I liked slacking too.  The areal yoga was pretty impressive as well.

During Lotus Flow class a butterfly fluttered in and landed on this lady.  The butterfly stayed on her for a long set of poses.

The teacher took a moment to tell a story about butterflies and how the struggle from the cocoon gives them the strength to fly.  I loved this class.  Actually it was the funnest class I've ever taken, taught by Dana Trixie Flynn of Laughing Lotus, NYC.

Kaio playing with the other future yogis and areal yogis.  He only fell on his head once.  Nala wanted to climb to the top of this thing and one of the older girls said to her, "Aren't you scared?"  At that point she realized she should probably be scared and decided to climb down.

Playing in the crazy dome hammock contraption.  I'd also like to build one of these in my backyard.  Maybe then the kids wouldn't want to spend so much time watching tv.

Yay.  I love camping, music, yoga.  So much fun!

Rocking the Dream

Yoga on the paddle board is like sex on a waterbed.  Holy #@%$ that felt good.

We spontaneously bought the new toy after seeing a surfing paddleboarder at the Outer Banks.

We had stopped on the side of cape Hatteras National Park, climbed a path over some dunes, and found a beautiful spot to hang out by the beach.

A troop of kids and adults had also settled down to chill.  There must have been a dozen boys ages 3-14, each with a body board or surf board.  At first I thought they were a surf camp.  But there was no lesson going on, the boys were just running around, skidding on the tide pools, trying to figure out how to stay on the boards.

A Wednesday morning and the families were all local to OBX.  Don't they have jobs? I wondered, but didn't ask.

I realized how much I love the idea of surfing.

The reward comes from the feeling.  It's a personal one, based on what you like and what you enjoy.  No one can tell you that you're doing it right or you're doing it wrong.  You know if you are riding the wave, because it feels good to you.  As a mom, it's so freeing for me, to not have to direct Kaio in what is the proper way to experience something.  When he catches a wave, he knows it.  The reward comes entirly separate from something I say, from any kind of 'good job.'

The action is in touch with nature, 100% dependent on nature.  A conversation with the tide; it speaks and you engage.  The pulse and breath of the earth merge with your actions.  You are completely engulfed and embraced by the world through the wet water around you, the sun beating above, the wind blowing your hair, and the moon's magnetic mass pulling the breaking waves.  There is never ending sensation of the elements of nature and the cosmos, how they merge in the dance with the ocean.

Joy coming from nothing but a board of wood or fiberglass gliding on water.  The kids were completely entertained.  The adults surfing themselves or fishing.  No one was eating, whining, crying.  They had perfect bodies sculpted and toned in the most perfect manner imaginable.  They looked like how God intended a healthy human body to look.

And I realized how little you need when you have fun playing outside.

On the way out of town we stopped at a brewery running off of windmill power and finally succeeded in our quest for Hatteras style Clam Chowder.  

Entertained by a girl who wore her bathing suit for 3 days straight, and loves to dip cantaloupe in ketchup.

A few strong micro brew beers down, I was lobbying to start a nautical journey.

Then it only seemed appropriate to get a kid kayak too.



Now we're just one sailboat away from living the dream.

Launching! Into a New Career

Amidst the thicket of holiday anticipation, life strangly feels like it's coming together.  Can you tell I'm a little giddy?  Yesterday I put the down payment on an Oriental Medicine degree in Acupuncture and Herbology.  A four year long dream in the making - ain't big decisions more difficult with kiddos? - I'm just starting with two night classes.  So I'm easing into it and visualizing sprinting for the finish once I have more time...ha!  So the kids better like public school, "Sorry mommy can't homeschool you until she finishes school herself."

a pic from the summer

Yes I have been seriously considering homeschooling them.  But I'm going to wait and see how things go with our tax money funded education.  Mari's supportive of homeschooling and even unschooling.  I believe mostly because it is illegal in Brazil and so he wants to exercise his PARENTAL RIGHT here in the US and shove it to the socialists back home. lol.  He's so funny.  I just don't know if it is the right thing for our family but we would try it out if things go sour.  For now, Kaio's super excited to get to ride the school bus with his neighbor friend next year and I think he'd feel disappointed if I kept him home.   

I'm half way through yoga teacher training (already?!). This week we've been guided to turn it up a notch and add meditation, breath work, alternate nostril breathing, yoga toes and chanting on top of our daily asana/poses practice!   Then there is reading and homework.  We're supposed to keep a daily journal too, which I call this blog.  It counts.   

I'm falling behind ---- on  my x-mas shopping. lol.

I love doing the yoga work.  love it love it love it.  

Repress the Urge to Yell

Short sleeves - 65 degrees in Late Nov -  nice

When I was a kid I had a major blow out with my parents every Christmas.  I remember my cousin even asking me what my problem was.  Why did I always freak out at holidays? I believe the emotion and excitement drove me to act like a nut.  It seems, age hasn't done much to taper this tendency.  This Thanksgiving I found myself in a fight with Kaio.  Trying to remember what happened... Can't remember... it must have been really dumb.

This whole last week has been a regression for me as a mom.  I've still got a pretty long fuse, but when it reaches the end, I unleash a flurry of screams like a hyper-sonic weapon.  Day after Thanksgiving we were scheduled to go celebrate and eat at Dad's house.  Kaio refused to take a shower.  This would be the second time that he's put up such a blockade since we returned from Brazil.  Which makes me think... 'has he only taken two baths since we got back from Brazil?'  I think he's taken three but the first one did not involve a fight.  So, see, I only make him take one a week.  He should be thankful for that.  But he's not.  And really I shouldn't expect him to be thankful for anything cause kids don't realize what they're granted unless you explain.

So he refused to get in the bath.  I tried being playful, I tried reasoning on the importance of higene, I tried giving him his bathing suit to wear in the tub, I tried letting him take his time... 20 minutes later I get him in the bathroom but he's not undressing or making any advances.  I start to loose patience.
"Get in the tub Kaio, get in the bath tub."
It's full of water, Nala's been in there for 10 minutes already, it's getting cold.
This being the second time I'd had to invest 20 minutes of breath and speech persuading, I felt much less patience and much more frustration.  He hissed at me like a lion.  And I roared, "GET IN THE BATH TUB NOW!!!!"
"I'm giving you three seconds and if you are not in there, I will take off your clothes and put you in there myself!"
"3-2-1"
Second thought, taking off the clothes would be too difficult.  I grabbed him and dropped him in the tub, clothing and all.
Mari came back inside from chopping wood and took over the situation.  I could have left it at that, but felt uncontrollably compelled to storm back into the bathroom and get a few more words in:
"I'd rather have an angry kid than a stinky one!"

Later on after the kids were clean, snug and dressed, Mari came to tell me he thinks I shouldn't yell like that anymore, "It looks like you are out of control."
I was making holiday cookies in the kitchen.  I stirred the dough, and tried not to get defensive, but it came out anyway.  "This is the second time I've spent 20 minutes conversing to get him to take a bath.  I'm not taking a smelly kid to my dad's house."
Mari, "He likes taking a shower more than a bath, he left the tub and went in our room to take a shower."
Me, "That's fine, he can take a shower.  All he has to do is say he wants a shower."
We went on.  And I realized that I must have looked like a crazy woman yelling at Kaio.  If there had been a hidden video camera in the house taping us, Super Nanny would be in her funny little black car, saying something like, "It looks like this mum desperately needs my help and I'm on my way now."

Then yesterday I yelled again.  In the car, Kaio was upset because we made a trip to Target for x-mas lights and I wouldn't buy him a new lego toy.  He reluctantly placed the toy back on the shelf and as we walked out of the store the pout face turned to sniffles and then full on crying.  Trying to help alleviate his suffering, I lovingly picked him up to carry him to the car, "Sorry you're upset Kaio but you know that you'll get some toys from Santa."
Thinking about Christmas just caused the crying to surge and in the car he bucked around, not letting my mom buckle his seat belt.  I was sitting in the passenger seat and turned at him to scream.  "SIT IN YOUR SEAT RIGHT NOW!"
It worked he sat in his seat, and began to calm down.  In a few minutes he apologized and then told me to calm down.  "I'm sorry mom.  But you need to calm down.  Don't yell at me."

My mom then began her intervention, "You shouldn't yell at him like that.  What if someone saw you?  You'd be arrested for verbal abuse."
Again I went on the defense and made a case for why it's important to correct children and keep them from hurting themselves.

She conceded.
But that night I didn't feel settled.  I sat to read the yoga sutras.  The particular section discussed how we are born as divine beings in a natural state of joy, but as we grow experiences cloud our judgement and cause us to forget our divinity.  I thought of how my actions of repressing Kaio's desires and then yelling, probably left him feeling minuscule and inferior.  What if I'm stripping his joy out by habitually inflicting reality?  My yelling certainly would eat away his confidence and cause him to forget that he is a beautiful joyous being.
I remembered what a happy baby and toddler he used to be.  I'd joke that his name derived from the word 'gay.'  Nowadays materialism overshadows his happiness throughout the day.

Then I thought of a story one of my yoga teachers, author and yoga master Max Strom, had told at an ethics workshop.


I had friend who refused to try yoga.  When I asked him why, he said, "Because I used to live bellow a yoga teacher, and she would get into the wildest fights with her boyfriend.  If that is what yoga does to you, I want nothing to do with it."
As yoga teachers we need to be ambassadors of the philosophy and live respectfully and ethically.

I realized how unacceptable my yelling is.  Not that I yell often or anything, but something about the holidays triggers those extreme emotions.  I think that's why I've lost it a few times this week.

Understanding now that I need to live the example of calm and wise.  Break out of the habit of falling back on screaming.

at ZooLights DC Zoo

Kaio is five now and I'm struggling a bit with what that means.  I feel like he's too old for me to be ordering him around, but at the same time he occasionally behaves damaging on his own accord.  Like Sunday night Mari and I went to run an errand.  He stayed home with my mom.  We returned home to find that he had eaten all the holiday cookies himself, leaving none for Nala.  he'd also found the Halloween lolypops and some other candy in the pantry and had been binging.  He was totally sugar high, laughing into the air every few minutes like a clown with Tourette syndrome.

I found this pretty hilarious, but still tossed all the remaining candy in the garbage after he went to bed.

Then today I caught him snacking on chocolate chips.

I just don't know what to do.  Do I have to keep telling him, "don't do that."  Can't he self regulate now?

I don't want to be controlling him all the time, but he's not demonstrating healthy decisions.

At night he sat on the floor, building a helicopter with Mari.  So peaceful, so excited.  He'd totally forgotten about seat belt altercation of earlier.  It is as if he'd returned to his natural state of joy.  The place where kids should reside.  Where we all should reside.

This week I'm going to work on maintaining that state as much as posible.  And repressing my yelling.  Firm but loving will be my mantra.