Three Weeks into the School Year

Three weeks into the new school year and this Monday morning marked the first day Kaio left the house without saying, "I don't want to go to Kindergarten."  He dressed himself before eating breakfast, which surprised me.  He didn't complain as I packed his lunch or suggested he get some socks.  We calmly walked out the front door and played catch with a football at the bus stop.  Then the bus pulled up and I halted him for a kiss before he marched on.

Well I guess that's that.  For now Kindergarten seems to be working for us.  I can say that I'm much more collected and sane having a quieter house, and I already see expressive language improvements with Kaio's English.  He talks up a storm at home, explaining things they do in school.  His pretend play scenarios contain more elaborate story lines.  Seeing how his English is catching up with the other kids, I'm thinking about switching back to Portuguese at home.

Throwing a spider web on the First Day of School!

  Can you tell the current obsession is monster trucks?

Luckily we have a big dug out hole in the front of our yard, where we were going to put a fish pond.  It makes a perfect rally track.

We didn't officially finish.  But, when it rains we get a little lake.  Almost as good as a fish pond.

Speaking of water, we checked out the Yards Park in DC a couple weekends ago.  There's a fun little splash zone.

Since starting K, Kaio's been extra lovey and extra angry.  I'm trying to keep calm and give him loads of hugs, encouragement, and patience.  The anger outbreaks have subdued quite a bit in the last week.  I know he's undergoing lots of new emotions with the kids and teachers.

He's so innovative.  He saw me wrapping some food in aluminum paper and spontaneously came up with the idea to use the foil as a mold for cars.  Now his monster trucks can get some Real Crushing Action!

Kaio surprised me by busting into a sun salutation set during a kid friendly yoga class.  Mom friends and I have been meeting weekly to practice yoga.  I lead an adult yoga class while the kids play in the park around us, and sometimes they decide to participate.  We don't push them to do anything really, the only rule is they need to stay in our view.  I only brought Kaio once because I knew he'd try to distract me from queuing the class, which he did.  But, for a minute he joined in and followed along perfectly.  I had no idea he could follow directions so well!

Then he had to show off and attempted a headstand.

Ohm!  He likes to ohm.

Meanwhile, Nala started a new preschool too.  She only attends two mornings a week.

A rainy first day, she seemed ok.  I love the school, which is a Coop, so I work in the classroom one week a month.  On the first day she walked right in without looking back.  Happy to play with clay.

We've been trying to keep busy with Kaio gone.  A major source of energy and commotion has vacated the house.  We've been mostly doing boring stuff like cleaning, cooking, planting, and drawing.  But we're a pair and very good together.  She even brought me breakfast in bed on Sunday.  She made it herself from things she could manage: a cold hotdog with a tea cup of mustard to dip, and a couple pieces of cereal on a plate next to a drop of cottage cheese.  It made little sense, but was so sweet!

It's totally amazing to me how peaceful Nala can be.

Then there was this one day when she was really motivated to make a lemonade stand.  She did everything herself: squeezed the lemons, mixed the ice and sugar.  She grabbed paper and made two signs.  One colored red (telling cars to stop), and the other colored yellow (telling cars to drink lemonade).  Then she found long sticks to tape them to and hold them.  As much as I wanted to sit inside and read a book, I knew I needed to get wrapped up in the tornado and try to support her dream.

So I let her stand on the side of the road in a dirty towel dress selling lemonade.  I'm glad some of our neighbors came by and that seemed to make up for all the confused cars that passed without stopping.  They liked the lemonade.  Nala must be an entrepreneur like my mom. 

My Evil Thoughts About His Teacher

I wish I was one of those accepting people who recognizes the divinity of everyone no matter their attitude.  But I'm just not.  Yet.  Can I vent for a sec?  I never do this.  But my rancid thoughts need to be dumped.  Thanks for being the dumping ground.

So Kaio's been in Special Ed preschool for a year now because he tested behind on a language test.  Since enrolling him I've wrestled with dueling emotions of gratuity and resentment.   It's great that he gets to attend a structured preschool for free with education specialists who work on enhancing skills he'll need in kindergarten. But it's not so great that I'm placing him in a classroom with other 'special' peers and subjecting him to observation and structure, which isn't really his cup of tea.

Most days he seems to like it and returns happy.  He learns songs and finger play games, does craft activities, etc.  So I haven't seriously considered taking him out.  But I still get this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm giving him a complex, making him feel different, calling him imperfect, and stuff like that.

It's not a huge deal though.  What's really bugging me is my evil thoughts about his teacher.

I know I should be infinitely grateful that she's nice and is choosing to spend her life caring for and helping children like my son with early intervention.

She has a son almost the same age as Kaio.  And it seems when we talk she always ends up slipping him into the conversation in some kind of comparison fashion, intending to show 'normal' behavior.   It feels like nails on a chalk board and I just want to freak out on her.

Like at his IEP meeting last year, the team asked me about my concerns and goals.

I said, "I'm not seeing him grasping the concept of time: like yesterday, tomorrow, today."

Teacher, "Well my son is the same age and he doesn't know those yet either."

ok.  That made me feel a little better.  But did you have to rub it in my face that you've got a son who does that and that must mean it is right.

It happened again, and again.

Me, "Kaio didn't want to go to school yesterday, I'm just wondering how things are going and if he is making friends with the other kids."

Teacher, "Oh yes he's doing great so far.  Even my son doesn't want to go to school some days."

And I'm thinking, even your normal son does that.  Well why don't you and your normal son go get married then.  Ok I know that your son is normal, but I don't appreciate you using him as the frame of reference.  I would prefer general comparisons rather than anecdotal.

And now the thing that really blew me was finding out her son would be one of the classroom community peers.  So Fridays he participates in the class, supposedly modeling appropriate behavior to the Special Kids.

Dude really?  When I heard that I first felt like being gagged with a spoon. And then I felt like snickering cause I cannot imagine it working.  Of course he's not going to follow mom's directions perfectly.  And  a mother/son dynamic distracting from my kid's special ed experience did not sound like a good plan.

And then in our last conference she brought him up again.

Me: "Does Kaio actually sit at circle time there?  Because he does not like to sit for circle at home if I try."

Teacher:  "Oh yes he does.  But you know that kids usually behave better when they are with others than at home.  Like with my son, daycare says he's a perfect angel and I'm like, 'Really?  Cause he does not act like that at home.'  And then you know  he's the community peer on Fridays now.  I actually had to have a talk with him after the first class because he was acting out and not providing a good example for the other kids."

umm hmm.  I saw that one coming.

So please stop these mean thoughts I have for my son's teacher.  My jealousy that she's got a kids who's the model child of building construction paper turkeys and gingerbread man, who shares all his toys without crying.  While mine needs special intervention.

ugh.
Please let this be the end of it so I can just like her without evil thoughts now.

Expression without Words

As his language skills drag behind other kids, he takes haven in art and legos as a medium for creation and expression.

Lego Helicopter

A Fish with Pokadots

He's sweet and sour.  Super troublesome one minute, then kissing you all over the next.  If you can get past the messy mayhem, the reward is more than worth it.
Throughout the day he'll drop to the floor saying 'my knee hurts, I can't walk.'  He'll sit there pitifully begging for mercy, staring at himself crying in the mirror, like an actor peeking at the crowd's reaction.  Sometimes he'll speak nonsense with conviction like its a totally normal part of the conversion.

Thomas the Tank Engine Heading to the Station

Me: "Kaio, how many grapes do you want?"

Kaio (looking off in another direction like he's addressing an audience): "Because the sun was very happy and the moon was very happy too mommy." and he looks back at me, eyes perked, expecting a response.

Kaio at the Beach.  with nipples and belly button

He likes to be off in his own little world alot muttering, acting things out.  Mari and I were possibly probably the same way when we were kids.

So unconventional moments when he's present or aware of social cues strike me with surprise and joy.  Like yesterday we were riding in the car on a perfect 78 degree day, with the windows open.  He closed his window and I heard, "Nala, you don't like the wind?  The wind is bothering you?"

Lego train, totally from his head

 He noticed from her face that she was not happy with all the blowing and chose to accommodate her.
Wow. now that's a milestone and these events are happening with more and more frequency.
I know you're like, BIG DEAL... whatever.
But for me, that seemed stupendous like a kid who just crossed the monkey bars for the first time.  

Bob the Builder Building a House

Lightning McQueen #95

We confused his brain with way too many languages when he was a baby (Romanian nanny, Portuguese in the afternoons, English daycare at 16 months).  We see him struggling to find words for the things he wants to express.  Sometimes he stumbles mid sentence and ends up falling back on a catch phrase like, "because... because... It makes me feel silly." So when he manages to say something unique and appropriate, well those are the kind of moments when Mari and I or mom and I glance at each other nodding and smiling ear to ear with gratification for the cuteness that just happened.

plane and train

At the end of the school year he was just starting to paint pictures of helicopters.  Now all summer he's been drawing and building things with legos every day.

I think his art reflects his growing imagination and style.  I'm so impressed by his ability and the way he excels in non-verbal intelligences (like sports, climbing and drawing).   He's a great kiddo and I'm so freggin enamored:)

helicopter Carrying Angry Birds

A Car Race with the #95 Car in the Lead

A Jet Airplane with the Landing Gear out

Jet Airplane no Landing Gear

Two Copters with Seats

Crying Out

Lots of thoughts going through my head right now, but I'm just not sure how appropriate it is for me to write them.  I've had a couple professionals advise me to get Kaio evaluated for ASDs.

Sometimes life seems really difficult for him.  I thought he was doing better since last year.  But lately he's been reverting to acting over dramatic, out of touch, and out of control.  I keep playing around with our diets.  But can't tell what is helping.  It's impossible to isolate causal relationships when so many aspects of life are changing at every moment.  There is no 'controlled conditions'  here.  So I have to rely on my gut, per se.  I sense there is something off digestively with him.  For the last two weeks he's been complaining his stomach hurts.

But just hearing a professional suggest that, sent waves of emotion through me.  And on the way home from his IEP the radio was talking about diet and Autism.  As if speaking to the moment.

I've decided to try out GAPS for a couple months and see if that helps.  Two weeks ago we went on a short vacation and let him eat pizza a few times in a row.  Since then he's been saying that his stomach hurts.  Maybe I'll make an appointment with a doctor to get him muscle tested.

Sometimes he's so sweet and other times a pain in the a##.  I just love him to death, but man is he a handful.

  My mom says I was the same way.

The birds living in our chimney make lots of noises at night.  I wonder what is going on?

My Confession Booth

I'm such a bad mother.  I flipped out and hit my kid.  I smacked him after the second time he screeched at the top of his lungs, "No!!!"  Then I said I didn't care about what happened to him anymore and ran out of the room.
I know I'm not supposed to do these things now-a-days.  We shouldn't use violence, use derogatory language, admit that we're vulnerable to emotions and can tip out of control.  This is my confession booth.
I could blame it on this being the way I've been raised.  My dad used to react the same way though our power struggles, where I dared him to make it hurt more.
But I know that's no excuse.    I need to be better than the past.  and as Mari points out, I'm modeling overreaction to Kaio.
i just don't know what to do sometimes.  He doesn't listen.  He pushes and pushes and pulls me, literally and figuratively.  He's totally insane.  He gets frustrated very easily, cries and flails his legs.   He wont respect limits or directions, even those that regard his safety or the safety of those around him.  If I could, I'd give up.  That's how I feel right now.
Any suggestions?  I'm all ears.

Cuckoo Kido

Man, sometimes I think my kid is completely nuts.  He acts totally irrationally and cries like a maniac at the drop of a hat.  Sometimes flailing his legs.  Like, he can't find his train and he starts wailing.  You'd think that he's a one and a half year old.  But no.  he's four.  Is this normal?

Mari says it is, "Conflict seems to be an innate part of parenting.  Because we want to shape them into a form and they have their own concept and needs.  We chip and chip at the rock.  Roughing it up until it becomes the perfect ashlar.  Sometimes it may be good and sometimes it's ugly.  Nene may be good now and then when she gets older maybe things will get ugly."

If this keeps up we may need to stick him in the army or in a preschool boarding school.  I even threatened to put him up for adoption today.  lol. I don't think he heard me.  not very nice I know.

Little guy's got such a sweet heart.  But man he makes me wonder sometimes.

Like today when I walked into the kids' bedroom and he had shaken a bottle of baby powder all over the room. First I'm pissed at him,  "Why, why Kaio?  You know that you're not supposed to make a mess with this."

lately he's been saying he wants to go back in my belly

Then I'm pissed at myself, "I trust you too much don't I?  My expectations are way to high.  How can I expect you to control yourself around the baby powder."

Mari says I need to be tougher/stricter.  I need to bear down on him and pull him by the ear if he doesn't listen.  Mari does pretty well with him.  He's much better at keep his emotions at bay than I am.  Kaio pushes my buttons like a pro pinball wizard.

My dad used to carry me around in his shirt like this

Lately I have found some things that work though.  Like stating a clear consequence for his actions.  You may start feeling like a big cloud of party-pooping death, "If you touch that beaconing fragile porcelain tea cup and saucer, I will take away your Thomas train."   But it does seem to be much easier on all of us when he knows the punishment for something and can then make an educated decision on whether he wants to continue the undesirable behavior.  You can't always anticipate what trouble they are going to cause.  You have to wait for that mischievous look.

Like tonight, Kaio threw all the books off of the bookshelf (which I let him do cause I thought it was a good physics lesson) and then was trying to climb inside (which I didn't want him to do cause I was worried it would fall on him).  After he knew it was off limits, he still tried to get in.  I went to pick him up and kick him out of the room.  He started to freak out and I realized that I didn't give him a clear consequence when I said not to climb there.  "Ok, Kaio if you get in there again I'm going to make you leave this room, you understand?"
"I understand."

I loved it.

And then he never tried to go in there again.  like magic.

I realized this after Tuesday night, when I took him to my usual monthly HMN meeting.  He ran off four times during the meeting to places beyond my line of sight.  I tried putting him in timeout, but he would cry or scream and we needed to be quiet.  I felt totally frustrated and hopeless.  Especially because all the other kids there were not causing trouble on purpose.  But I'm going to imagine that the other moms didn't bring their kids because they would have been causing trouble too.  I need to get smart enough to recognize when situations are not worth approaching and just not put myself out there if it is going to be too tough to handle.  That's what the smart mama's with outrageous kids do.

being born

On the way home I was thinking about how much more effective it would have been to give him clear consequences for running away instead of waiting until after he did it and then enforcing a punishment.  I could have told him that I would take his Thomas Train away.  Or that we would leave if he did not stay where I could see him.

Hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.  In the mean time I'm glad that I get a few days a week where someone else can take care of him (surprised I just said that cause I'm not super excited about my job and I love being a mom).  But I'm realizing that it's good for us both to get a break from each other else our pitch gets intense.  He seems to really like his classroom and preschool.  When I picked him up today he was saying goodbye to all the kids.  He know them all by name now.  Made me think that he's probably better behaved around the teachers and peers than at home.

Thomas covered in baby powder