Attached

I came home on a Friday evening after being gone from the kids and baby for almost four hours.  I walked in and up the stairs of our spit level home, and Mari sat on the sofa, cuddling with the baby.  She sat next to him, reclining on his chest while his left arm framed her and hand draped over her chubby tummy.
"She's shaking.  She just started shaking." He said.

I looked down at her and her relaxed position had electrified.  She looked straight at me with big eyes and a huge smile, arms and legs waving like a crazy Furby.  Mari held her, but everything about her posture screamed out, "Mom! Pick me up!"

I think her body shook with pure love.  Her enthusiasm reflected adoration untainted by any experience of harm or pain.  These motions, expressed the most naive and innocent form, what it feels like to love someone down to your core, and to not be afraid of that love.

And I decided that's what I want to provide, I want to give this baby everything she needs so that she can love fully and innocently.  Right now, while she's so little, her wants and needs overlap and her little heart looks like a transparent diamond.  It takes the color of whatever stands in the background, but it looks unique and beautiful in its own right, and it glitters a rainbow spectrum back at you.

Seeing her get into Happy Baby Pose for the first time brought me more excitement than any other milestone this far! I took a pic, uploaded it, nstagramed it, facebooked it, now blogged it, recorded it in the baby development app. #yogamoms #modernparents. lol!

The Gift of Today

I want to pack up a record of every cute thing the kids say and do in a box with a bow and save it to open later like a time capsule.

Tori giggles like the Pillsbury dough boy when I rub her down with baby oil in the morning.   She'll rest in my lap, staring up with big eyes and seeming to study my movements as I talk on the phone, or finish work up on the computer.  She sings herself to sleep in the car seat or the hammock, and coos with the sounds of a man's voice.

Waiting six years to have another baby really worked out well.  I think I'm much wiser now, at least on one issue.    I chose to stay home with Tori, instead of returning to work full time like I did with Kaio and Nala.  I chose to stay home with the bundle of cuddles.  My occasional hours out of the house teaching yoga bring blessed me-time and also give Mari and my mom a chance to greater bond with Tori.

So I have been hibernating in a baby cave for the last five months.  It has been awesome.

Because I know I wont get these moments back.  Already I recall her tiny infant size with nostalgia.

And seeing her faces and mannerisms sometimes reminds me of things the other kids used to do, things I had forgotten about.  Like toes that curl around my thumb, a surprised face that smiles in the mirror, and a heavy head that falls asleep in my arms while my feet dance out a samba beat.

She has brought out a sense of responsibility in the kids.  Nala loves it when I let her change her diaper, or clothes.  She'll hold her, play with her, carry her.  Kaio now holds the door open for us if I'm lugging the car seat.  He'll play with her so sweetly, and then also sometimes try to surprise her with a loud noise and make her cry because he thinks it's funny.

Tori was co-sleeping in bed with us, but then Mari noticed that she likes swinging in the hammock we strung in our room.  Now she easily falls asleep in there, chewing on the ears of one of Nala's stuffed animals, or listening to me sing her a song.  We rock her to sleep, and get the bed all to ourselves.  If she starts to stir, we push it a bit and she floats back to dreamland.  I wish bedtime had been this easy with the other kids.

The house sprouted a mess of baby toys and kid toys.  I usually get them cleaned up every morning after the kids go off to school.  But there have been so many snow days lately that I threw in the towel for the time being.  But that's ok.  If I can get the kitchen clean every day, I feel happy enough.

Kaio's doing really well in public school.  He hates doing homework.  But he seems happier in general at home, and he's established a group of friends that he really jives with.  Plus, his imagination blooms through story telling.  He dreamed up a video game, called Epic Kaio, that he talks about all-the-time.  Always talking about what happens in the game between him and his friends AidanCraft and Yellow against an Army of Stampy Cats that are trying to take over the world.  I need to find a way to record his ideas, because they are pure gold.  That's a project in process.

The other night Nala came out of her room after bed time.  She walked up to me and handed me a fake $50 bill.

"What is this for?" I said.
She mumbled something about wanting to stay up later.
"Are you trying to pay me so you can stay up later?!" I realized. "No, you need to go to bed."
"Here, what about for two?"  She handed me another $50 with a sweet smile and shinny eyes.

Mari has been working more hours than usual it seems.  But he's in good spirits.  We both are anxious for paddleboarding weather to return.

Kaio and Nala play, and sometimes fight, and sometimes play.  Nala will sit down next to him on the sofa and play Minecraft split screen.  Or Kaio will sit down on the floor and play with her lego scenes.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all the mess, and all the adult things to do - like bills and meals and decisions and doctor visits.  And I wonder where the time went, and why I've never visited Bali or Hawaii.  I get caught up in the drain of the never ending tasks and absence of free time.

Sometimes I notice the sweetness of our family, and the underlying affection and support we all show each other.  The sarcasm and inside jokes, the morning cuddling.  The way we share stories, and try to really listen to each other talk.  The way we each know what everyone is interested in.

I think or hope that someday again there will be free time.  But for now, I'll just breath and focus on the gift of today :)

American Art Museum

Dude,  I've been living in DC how many years?  Like 30, and I've never checked out this museum before.  It is awesome!  Off the beaten path for sure, not on the main Smithsonian row.  It's in China Town, just a block away from the metro.  Only two blocks away from the National Building Museum, so you could in theory hit them both up in one trip.  But in practice, I doubt that because there is so much to see at the American Art Museum!

We went to the 3rd floor for the Modern Art first.  I think this was called Lady Eats Icecream, or something like that.  She's eating a sundae and reading the Nat Enquirer.

Not crowded at all, even on a holiday. 

Neon across America

The artist caption explained that this piece represents the joy and freedom she felt the summer she was 17 years old 

Called "Children Playing"  reminded me of Shiva 

The kids were more interested in this art museum than any of the other ones we've been to visit.  They were asking me questions about the art works and really taking it in.

Plus the courtyard was the perfect place to run around without freezing your butt off outside! 

Glad someone is using those old fashioned tvs 

There was a bird exhibit of art inspired by birds that have gone extinct.  I wasn't allowed to take pictures in there.  But the exhibit features art on so many mediums, from installations, to crafts, to sketches, to technology.   We only made it to most of the 3rd floor with a break for lunch, but I'd love to return.  This museum is totally worth checking out.

Joining Mid-Year, with Blue Hair - Back to Public School

This fall and winter have been full of changes.  We welcomed the sweet baby girl, Tori. Nala began Kindergarten, and Kaio went back to public school.  I've been reluctant to write about Kaio returning to school on social media because I'm a bit embarrassed.   Partly, I see it as a declaration of my failure as a homeschooling mom.  But so far it seems it was the right decision.  

Often I notice that I could live many versions of myself, like Mystique from the X-Men.  Well not quite so perfect and deadly.  But many paths or possibilities.  I could see my life without choosing to have kids, I think Mari and I would be living on the West Coast, and we would have probably spent some time backpacking in Asia.  I can see my life on a homestead, with a sweet pair of goats in our back yard that Nala and her friends take for walks on sunny days.  I could see my life in the city, with a suit and a job, although that reality makes my stomach churn a bit.  

I had gotten used to our reality as homeschoolers.  I was especially really liking the other homeschooling families we were hanging out with.  I saw our future, days spent in our own rhythm, immersed in creativity and learning, free from societal expectations.  But our present reality waded along afflicted with clashes.

I thought in the homeschooling environment I would be better able to accommodate his leaning disabilities by tailoring our schooling around his specific needs.  I couldn't find a curriculum that fit well, and so I was molding the days around his interests.  But I just wasn't that great at it.

After a year into it I still couldn't teach myself to get better.  Our problems became even more pronounced after Nala started school and after Tori's birth.  Lack of sleep made my fuse shorter.  Difficultly getting out of the house with an infant meant less social opportunities.  We would get to an event once or twice a week and Kaio would spend the whole week recycling over whether the kids liked him or not and convincing himself that no one liked him.  The next event would be another drama completely manufactured in his anxious mind.  I was not serving him well, and he was becoming afraid of people, more timid than I'd ever seen him.  

Then our days completely revolved around him obsessing with playing video games and doing his work and chores so I would let him play the video games.  I searched all over for things that were fun that were not video games; hiking, swimming, board games, audio books, trips to museums, science experiments, classes on robotics, parkour, skateboarding, and native crafts.  I tried using the video games as springboards for other activities; reading graphic novels about Plants vs. Zombies, Lego and Starwars inspired writing prompts, researching history of Assassin's Creed and Just Cause era, and much more.  But he never liked anything and boy was that discouraging.  So I decided to implement more structure and define the required work for each day in reading, writing, and math.  I only wanted us to do a couple pages of work a day but he would negotiate with me for about an hour -every day- to do less.  And who can blame him?  We'd spend the whole morning like that.  During fights he would say awful and hurtful things about himself and about me.  Mari thought that he was bored, and I agree.

I overheard my mom praying for help.

Then a family moved in on our street.  A girl Kaio's age, who gets along with him and dances to the beat of the same drum.  But she goes to school and likes her teacher.  I started thinking, 'wow, well if she seems to be doing so well, maybe Kaio would too."

I remembered what the new principal said to me at Nala's K orientation, "How's Kaio?  How's homeschooling?  If you change your mind, we'd love to have him back."

Kaio's began inquiring with me about homechoolers who had returned to public school.  I contacted the new principal to ask if we could come visit and when we arrived for the meeting we saw that he had just shaved his head to celebrate the school obtaining a fundraising goal.  What a silly guy.

At first Kaio was reluctant to return to school, but then we went to see the class.  He didn't want to leave.  He was so happy to be around more kids.  We stayed to have lunch there with Nala.

He starts begging me to let him go back to school.  Zoom, within a week I have all the paperwork done and BAM suddenly he is back in school all day long.

Luckily the principal really set a tone of respect with the teachers and staff, so we were treated well despite the hair and our abnormal academic practices.  He also said not to worry about doing homework if that became a fight. Can you tell I dig the new principal?

Joining mid year, and with blue hair, Kaio has caught so much attention from the other students.  The teachers were able to fit a speaking part in for him in the winter show, a funny line that made everyone in the audience laugh.  He said, "Hit it Ladies!" introducing the girl snowflakes to come on stage and dance.  Girls have crushes on him.  He's completely oblivious to this of course.

I know the transition to school workload and academics must be hard for him.  But at least he likes to go, and honestly he seems happier at home.  He has stopped obsessing over video games.  A whole 4 days passed where he didn't play any video games.  I couldn't believe it.  It seriously blew my mind since our life had revolved around those video games for over a year.

Nala likes to go to school too.  They sit on the bus together sometimes, which I think is the cutest thing imaginable.  The neighborhood kids have quite a little tribe and play together after school almost every day.  All different ages, but they get along and look out for each other.  The sixth graders that play are all such cool kids.  I wish I had a childhood like that.

Today an argument broke out between Kaio and one of the younger girl neighbors.  She ran off crying.  Later on he decided that he wanted to apologize.  One of the other girls assisted Kaio with the process, occasionally she whispered in his ear what to say and mediated their resolution.   Never once did he look at me for help.  For so long I felt like the only translator between him and the rest of the world, it was beautiful to see that I didn't need to be.

When we put him back to school I fought feelings of failure.  I wasn't good enough at catching his interests and igniting a passion for life away from the screen.  Nor was I good enough at recognizing and capitalizing on moments when those passions were prime to be fanned.  Or maybe I wasn't good enough at backing off and letting the learning happen organically.  I worried that I represented a bruise in the awesome fruits of the homeschooling community.

But I had to talk myself out of all those poisonous thoughts.  First of all, nobody said anything to insinuate those thoughts.  Public school is only one measure of success in a landscape lush with diverse stories.  And I don't think we did anything wrong.  We sculpt our life based on the best options at the moment.  If the kids start to feel like school is not serving them anymore, then we'll consider private or homeschool again.  Although my kids have chosen the school route for their lives right now and it seems like the right path, I would not be surprised if we came back to homeschool when they can read and be more self guided.

I still feel like a homeschooler at heart because I believe in self-led learning and connect with the non-conformity.  Is it weird that I really want to go to the VA Homeschooling Conference this year?

New Year Goddess

Nala's 100% cooler than I will ever be.  I watch her, amazed by the innate grace she commands as she dances on the floor like a goddess.  She loves her family with abandon.  Despite them rarely seeing each other, last Christmas she made an ornament for my dad, because she loves her grandfather.  She gives us all kisses all day long.  She talks to Tori, begs to sleep right next to her because she loves her so much.  When Kaio says, "I love Tori but I don't like Nala."  I whisper to Nala, "He loves you, he just doesn't want to say it."  and she says, "I know."  Then turns to Kaio and says, "I know you love me you just don't want to say it."

Last night was New Years Eve and after a kid friendly party over at our friend Ria's house, we danced the night away until midnight.  I felt so full of love for the kids, each so unique.