Saturday, February 6, 2021

I Miss Nala

Last year Nala started to change so much. Her personality has pretty much done a 180. I really thought that it was a phase, and would pass with the teen hormones. But this week, I've gotten really worried that it wont, and this is who she is now. Can I be upset about that? I miss Nala so much. I miss the way she smiled with abandon. I miss the way everything she touched became a canvas of color and imagination. I miss her energy that was peaceful yet vibrant. Her kind spirit. Her ability to read situations and connect with people all around her. Her confidence with older people. Her dancing and smiling, and giggling, and being quiet yet content. 

I always felt so unbelievably lucky for having such a perfect kid. I know that I should just be grateful for the moments that we shared and the memories. But can't I also be sad? Am I allowed? Or does it make me a bad parent for wanting my child to be different than they are now? For craving this past reality. I miss her. I miss who she was. I love her so much, but she doesn't seem happy anymore. And to be honest, I might be a little mad at the new Nala for taking old Nala away. But I could never be mad at Nala, so I'm mad at the internet, and phone, and discord, and myself for letting those things into her life.

I regret not doing more with her. I regret not sitting on her bed and telling her a story every time that she asked for one. I wish I could hold her a lay with her tight in my arms, and will her back.

But I know that are kids are who they are. And I need to accept that. It's selfish of me to want anything else. I just hope I can be a good mom to Nala, and support her to be happy and healthy.

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