Is Discipline Worth the Trouble?

So today when I picked up the kids from daycare the owner told me that LittleMan smeared poop on the wall a couple times after using the potty.  "I wanted to ask you if he does that at home," she said.
"No never"  or maybe I should have said 'not yet' or 'not that I noticed.'
When we were all at home later and I told Mari about it, he said, "Oh I used to do that too."  "My mom told me that I used to do that."
Does that make it inevitable?  Are these behaviors ingrained in our DNA or our spirit and...meant to be?
This all reminded me of an incredible This American Life radio show about children switched at birth and raised by the wrong families.  The children maintained the characteristics, hobbies, preferences, and personalities of their birth families.  The blond child grew up to own the picture above her living room mantel as her birth mother did.  The brown haired child became extremely religious, more in line with her birth family's beliefs.  The nature overpowered the nurture.  Makes me wonder... is discipline futile? Is he going to end up how he ends up regardless of what I do?  So if that is the case, then maybe I should not bother getting worked up about getting him in line with other kids and maybe I should focus on living in the moment and understanding his point of view: follow the Daily Groove tips.
But I just don't think I can do that.  Today he was off the wall wild and crazy.  He just couldn't stop climbing and jumping around the house.  Our house is a mess because we are in the process of moving.  He took a big pile of clothes on to the top of the stairs and started sliding down on his belly, face first.  When he got bored with that he moved upstairs to make mischief.  I heard a toilet and then I heard silence, which is never good.  The baby was sitting on my lap drawing circles with crayon on cardboard and making the cutest babbles.  I just didn't want the moment to end.  But I knew there had to be something unusually captivating, and thus probably messy or possibly involving poop and walls, going on with LM.  I yelled upstairs and kept summoning him back downstairs.  He would come down for a second and then go running back up again. each time wearing less clothes.  I started a picture presentation (a collection of themed photos that I found on the internet) for the kids to try to keep them entertained.   He usually gets really into the pictures because they all involve transportation and animals.  I told him that if he went upstairs one more time then he would be choosing to go to bed, because we only go upstairs at bed time.  Well, he tested this twice and then I put him in bed and he started crying.  I went into our bathroom and saw that he had sprayed water all over the bathroom with our mini spray wand, a.k.a our poor man's bidet.  The floor was wet,  the bath mat was wet, my make-up was wet, my jewelry box was wet.  Man, he can do damage so quickly.
Then I have to confess that I yelled that he was bad, which I realized right away was an unintended angry slip.  Mari sent me downstairs to eat dinner with the baby while he kept guard on the boy, who was now banished to his room for the first time ever.
And I still wonder how much of his behavior is under my control and how much is all a part of his personality.  Should I fight these behaviors or embrace them?
Lately I have been trying to switch my approach a bit: instead of telling him not to jump off of things, I help him jump off of them safely.  But does this leniency lead him to validate other extreme actions, like smearing poop on the walls and spraying water around the house?  Does he see the world as a place without rules and boundaries.  But then again, is that really a perception that I would want to abate?  Perhaps the influential and extraordinary visionaries of history were the people who saw the world without limits and questioned authority.

Such a Lady

 I remember that LittleMan would never mind when he had a dirty diaper.  He would just keep playing or doing whatever.  It was like pulling teeth to drag him into the bathroom and change him.  He would resist the whole way.  He never minded even the largest, stinkiest, heaviest sack of junk in the trunk.  But GirlFriend is so different.  My little girl is about to turn 16 months and is such a lady.  Today she told me that she wanted her diaper changed with a series of signs and motions.  It felt like a successful round of baby Pictionary.  I was sitting on the couch when she came over and got into my lap, put her hands around the back of my neck and started making a lifting motion.  She does this when she wants me to carry her somewhere.  She started kind of whimpering.  I said, "what are you hungry? thirsty? do you want milk?" nope. nope. nope.  Her little whine was getting worse and frustrated, so I put her down for a second.  She stood in front of me a stuck her hips out.  Then she started pointing towards her diaper.  "oh, you want a diaper change! ok, lets go."  and man did she have a big messy one.

So after putting on a fresh clean diaper and taking her back downstairs, she started whimpering again.  I went through the checklist for the second time, "what now? are you hungry? thirsty? sleepy?"  She made the sleep sign by covering her ear with her hand.  oh, you're sleepy.  It was still light outside, but the days are getting longer and we had been out for a big walk earlier.  

So we went to bed and she fell asleep contently.  I couldn't believe that she actually put herself to bed.  What kid does that?  It reminded me of a scene from the Simpsons where Maggie changes her own diaper.  Sometimes GF does grab a wipe and try to wipe herself while I am changing her.
This was all pretty amazing.  GF has been trying to talk for a while and sputtering out a few really clear words like 'kitty cat,' 'bubble,' and 'jacket.' I just love how she finds ways to communicate with me and never gets frustrated for long.

Midnight Marauder

So although things have been calmer this week, they have not been free of mischief and calamity.  This morning, when I came downstairs to make breakfast, I heard a noise coming from the powder room.  The faucet was on.  In front of the faucet was a huge mess where the contents of the coat closet were spilled and scattered all over the floor.  My inner Shurlock Homes got to work.
A bag of lolly pops that had been on the top shelve of the closet (Halloween candy from two years ago), was now on the floor and lolly pops were all over the place!  Then, there was a bar stool taken from the kitchen, and a little chair, and a stepping stool from the bathroom, and a box, and even a cork cutting board that we just bought from Ikea, all pilled around the mess that had spilled out of the closet.  It seemed like someone - someone pretty short - had stacked these items to reach something on the top shelve.  But then probably needed to jump or lunge to grab, which forced everything to topple to the ground.  Hmm... What do you think dear Watson?
Yes, he stacked a cutting board on top of a box, on top of a stepping stool, on top of a chair, on top of a bar stool!  Dually, frightening and impressive.  Then, he jumped to grab the bag of lolly pops, which he got well enough to spill all over the floor along with some coats and a double stroller.
I cleaned up all the lolly pops and threw the devil candy away.  After LittleMan woke up and as we were leaving the house, I pointed to the mess and asked if he knew what happened.  "Lolly pops fell.  Lolly pops fell."  He said.
Ah ha! He confessed to the crime!  How would he have known their were lolly pops since I had cleaned them up? unless, he had participated in the act.  Ah ha!
I looked at Mari for direction.  Now what do we do?  Do we punish him?  It did not look like he actually ate any of the lolly pops, it looks like the fall scared him into fleeing.  I think that I ended up telling him something about staying in bed or climbing being dangerous.  I don't really remember because at this point, I was just happy that he stayed in the house.  I mean, if we didn't wake up to the sound of a double stroller falling out of a closet along with chairs, cutting boards, and lolly pops; then we definitely would not have heard the front door open.
So the lesson to self is: if one passes out in bed exhausted with a headache and the other one passes out in an allergy / Claritin coma, put up a baby gate on the stairs to keep the kids from mischief, candy, poison, and/or exiting the premises.   Freaky.

Barometric Pressure : Stable

After a weekend with Mr. Hyde, this week seems noticeably calmer.  (knock knock knock on wood). 
In fact, we have not had a single out of control crying event for three days. yippee!  There have been a few interactions where I thought, 'oh no here it comes.'  But surprisingly, a simple whine came out instead of The Storm.  hmm...  still too soon to say, but perhaps the weekend was a detoxifying purge of allergens from LittleMan's system.  He has been no gluten, no dairy, no corn, and no soy since April 1st.  We will keep on the lookout for dramatic weather patterns and strong winds gusting.

How do you not be your parents?

Four days into the new No Gluten, Casein, Corn, or Soy diet and LittleMan is as nutz as ever, maybe worse.  He has gone into hysterics almost everyday since we started and completely looses his mind.  I feel so bad for him, it is like he is possessed.  He cries and cries and no matter what I do he wont stop crying.  I've tried holding my ground, I've tried giving in, I've tried hugging him, I've tried diverting his attention; he just cannot bring himself to calm down.  It takes a while of wailing.
This weekend we went camping.  I had gone back to the car with the kids to grab some stuff and GirlFriend saw the box of strawberries, swiped it and started running away.  LM saw them and went over to her and just yanked them out of her hands and made her cry.  I interjected in the transaction, "Hey, you need to ask her nicely for them."  He said, "NO!" and then finally I took them out of his hands.  I couldn't have the baby see him getting away with that behavior, she copies everything that he does.  So he cried and cried and cried.  Would not calm down.  I was about to leave him there and go back to the campsite for reinforcements, when I caught myself, 'you can't leave a kid by himself.'  So I stood there, just breathing and trying to collect my thoughts.  There were people in surrounding campsites that we were disturbing.
Then the little punk starts yelling, "People!  People!  Please Help ME!  I lost my mommy!"
I was like, "I'm right here.  Come on, get in the wagon and lets go back."
He screams, "No! I don't want to go with you! Ahhhh!"
He carries on about loosing his mommy and starts walking away from me.  The little bugger is already trying to manipulate people.
Then tonight he had a breakdown because I wouldn't give him cereal for dinner after I already made him lentils and rice.  He cried and cried and he didn't even know what he was crying about.  It started because he wanted the cereal, but then he wanted the rice, except he wanted more than I gave him, and then he wanted an airplane or something nonsense like that.  I said, "I'm not giving you anything until you calm down and stop crying!"  He just would not stop crying.  Honestly, I was holding myself back from hitting him (or giving him something to cry about, as my dad would say).
"Why should I give you anything you want if all you do is cry in my face?"
I threw him on the couch, which is something that he usually thinks is fun.  I ran back to the kitchen to try to calm myself down. He came running back, "Hug me! Hug me!"
So I hug him, but he just keeps screaming like a mad man.  I was staring at him, trying to understand what he was feeling, trying to relate and break through the drama.  But, he was lost in some cathartic madness.  It is frightening, really scary to be next to someone that you love when they are in pain but you just cannot reach them, like talking through a cell phone.  I don't know what is going on.  Is this really typical troublesome three's behavior?
Sure I know that I used to act like that.  After this episode, I was trapped in some deja-vu mind trip.  My dad's voice..."are you going to stop crying?  Are you going to stop crying?  I am going to count to 3 and if you don't stop crying I am going to spank you!"
So when parents say, "you will understand when you have kids" II guess it is true.  I guess this life is just my life coming full circle.  Now I have to figure out how to break the cycle and defuse these crazy situations so that I do not make the same mistakes my parents did.

Bush doctor and sightings of a Voodoo ceremony in Northern Virginia

Mari calls me a bush doctor because I make herbal teas and tinctures for the kids when they are ill.  This lady that I took LittleMan to was a witch doctor.  She started off looking smart and conventional, with a stylish pin stripe suit and a stethoscope.   But then she worked some type of voodoo diagnostic test called muscle testing.  Apparently the parasympathetic nervous system is more susceptible to the energies from food and allergens.  When the energy from a food that we are sensitive to is near our body then we have a weak muscle reaction.  She said that I could be the conductor for LM's system by holding his shoulder and the energy would pass through meridians to my muscles.  I was very skeptical but willing to try.  So she had him lay down and hold a box full of homeopathic liquid vials against his belly.  It all seemed very odd.  I held out my left arm and she applied pressure to the top of it, asking how difficult it was for me to keep my arm up.  It seemed very unscientific.  Like, how would I know if she was pushing harder this time, or how would I know exactly how easy it was for me to keep my arm up?  I guess if the effect was really dramatic then I would feel it.  So she tried with me as the conduit a few times and I couldn't feel anything different.  I mean, one time it did feel kind of tingly, but that was all I noticed.  I was trying really hard not to make up a feeling just to appease her.  I have a habit of saying nice things just to make people feel comfortable.  I've learned about cognitive dissonance theory, which demonstrates that people actually change what they believe when their mind reconciles what they have said to appease others.  Like, if I told her that I was feeling something, then I would begin to actually believe that I had felt something.
I starting assessing my belief system in my head.  Could this muscle testing be possible?  Well, do I believe that plants, animal, people and stones carry energy: yes.  Could this energy affect muscles: hmm, not so sure about that.  If they did, could that reaction pass from one person to another: hmm, that is even more of a stretch for me to visualize.  Later, I was thinking about the logic behind the test again.  Does that mean that if someone who was allergic to corn stood by a corn field or a silo, they would have trouble walking or standing up?  Or if they were reading a book about corn, they would have trouble turning the page?
She had to bring in one of the other doctors to assist in the process and be the conduit since I was honestly not good at it.  They ended up discovering that LM is allergic to gluten, casein, corn, and soy!  She also said that he tested for parasites, thyroid and gut problems, and deficient enzymes.  I left the doctor feeling like although I was not a believer in the method, I thought the diagnosis was right.  The process was wrong but the product fit the symptoms I had been noticing.
Those are all foods that are uncommon in the Brazilian diet, but they are very common here.  LM has Mari's same blood type and I imagine that he would digest foods that are more typical from that region.
That got me thinking, in Brazil they eat rice and beans pretty much everyday.  They also have meats, fish, vegetables, and lots of fruit.  Here in the US, we eat a different type of food for every meal.  Maybe our bodies are not meant to have that much dietary jumping around.  Maybe all these culinary choices are actually bad for our health.  I've always had a bit of a bad feeling about wheat and dairy for LM, and I kept him mostly away from them until he was 17 months when he started daycare.  I also noticed that sometimes there was undigested corn in his diaper.
So I decided to simplify our diet and make it more Brazilian.  The only problem is that LM goes to daycare.  Today when daycare had to tell him that he couldn't have the goldfish crackers and the cereal bar at snack time, he started to cry.  He could not understand why he was not allowed to eat the food that all the other kids were eating, and he thought that he had done something wrong.  The story broke my heart.
I wanted to leave work and go pick him up, tell him that there is nothing wrong with him and he is not in trouble.  It would be easy to do this diet change if he was at home, but with his friends eating those things in front of him it is so much tougher.
So now I have been rethinking my commitment to this treatment plan.  Tonight, I tried the muscle test on Mari to see if it would work and tell us his food sensitivities.  I tried a bunch of bananas, some raw milk cheese, and a jar of breast milk.  He seemed most allergic to the bananas.  Then he tested me.  When we got to the bananas I could not keep a straight face.  We both ended up laughing hysterically and eating the cheese.  He said that it brought back memories of a community doctor his mom took him to in Brazil.  She did the same thing and had all kinds of pills, tinctures, oils, and muds that were part of the treatment.  It helped him with some parasite problem and his dad with chest pain.  But he still thought it was pretty weird...  Another example of similarities between me and his mom.
So I am torn from my belly to my little brain thinking about this.  I interned at the research department of the National College of Naturopathic Medicine for a summer in college.  I am a strong believer in solid peer reviewed double blind research for complimentary and alternative medicine.  But I have not been able to find research supporting muscle testing.   But then, lots of treatment and tools that have been widely used and tested in the East for years have not been subject to those tests here yet.  Except sometimes under funding from pharmaceutical companies - who have a vested interest in disproving natural medicines.  So I do not want to let my need for traditional research to get in the way of the Chinese Medicine magic.
But, how can I put my son through such a traumatic experience with this kind of fuzzy method behind his diagnosis?
Is my need for calibrated diagnostic tools irrational?  Am I putting too much faith in inanimate instruments and machines?
Maybe I should put more faith in people and their hands and energies.
But what if I cause some kind of permanent psychological damage or give him a complex by creating imaginary allergies?  eek, I don't know what to do.
Mari and I slept on it and came to the same conclusion.  We are going to take these things out of his diet at home and at daycare so that he is not eating them everyday.  But we are not going to label him as allergic to them.  And for special occasions he can eat whatever the other kids are having.

The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius

The world is preparing for a major shift in human culture.  Meanwhile, my house is undergoing its own transformation.  Last weekend the kids had their first fight with each other.  GirlFriend is almost 15 months now and LittleMan 3 years old.  I wish that I had caught the episode on film because it was the most precious thing.  How simple and silly it began; with an orange.  
So Mari was on the sofa, splitting the orange in triangles for LM when GF came like the Swiper and grabbed the little bowl with half an orange inside.  LM was not a fan and went running after her, "baby no!"  
He grabbed the bowl back and tried to tug it away from her while she held her ground and kept a firm grip.  I was in the laundry room washing diapers during this beginning fight, decidedly letting Mari handle it and not stepping in to regulate (see I'm trying to not be such a control freak).  So then Mari snatched the oranges away from both of them, and I hear screaming and crying on both ends.  When I finally venture out to see what is going on the kids are hysterically grasping towards the oranges, and it is not like there was not enough to share.  So I calmly said, 'ok the oranges are going in time out because they made you cry.  When you guys calm down we can have some oranges."
I put them on top of a shelf.  Oh that caused some unhappy campers.  LM was crying because I took his oranges away.  GF was crying because she thought that was the thing to do.  I sat down to be on their level and they both started climbing on me, competing for who could get more leg and shoulder real estate.  It was their first major fight.  I asked Mari to start video taping, but it calmed down before he could get the camera.  
There was even a point when they started to get a little physical.  This was also cute and I had to try hard to take it seriously.  They each were limply flapping their hands over the other's hand and whining,.  It looked like a gay men's cat fight.  I stopped it quickly.  But, some times when I see these behaviors that are absurd; but so raw, pure, and organic in the way that they surface - it fascinates me and I catch myself watching when I should be saying mommy things.  
So I guess that we hit our first major milestone in brother-sister relations this weekend. 

Something fishy and I can't put my finger on it

I never realized that I would feel so wounded thinking about my son's shortcomings.  All my life I have copped with my own insecurities by finding a unique niche.  I know I'm not the smartest or the coolest or the sweetest.  But I can be sparkley when others are shinny.  Like in college.  I know I am an awful essay writer, but my American Literature professor said that I wrote from the most unique perspective of anyone else in the class.  I guess it is a survival instinct.  
For the last three weeks I have been teaching a half day preschool class on Monday mornings.  I signed up for this because I wanted an opportunity to participate in LM's education.  I feel like I miss out on his life and development while I am at work.  I did not realize how tough it would be for me to see him in contrast to the other children.  He can be so withdrawn and reluctant to participate to the point of defiance.  He lacks the awareness and eloquence of the other kids.  Daycare has told me a couple times that he did not want to do circle time, or tutoring, and I used to dismiss these things as not stimulating enough for him, but now I am starting to get worried.  I am remembering that there used to be a time when he would sit down with me and draw or paint or play with Play-Dough.  But, now all he wants to do is play with trains, or cars, or jump off of things.  His comfort zone is narrowing.  Although his social regression is not evident at home, I see it now at daycare, birthday parties, preschool and the gym: he doesn't play with other kids anymore.  This Sunday I missed my weekly yoga class (my 'Reset' button for the week) because he did not want to go into the gym's Kid Zone.  It is a jungle gym play ground!  What kid would not want to go there!  He wanted to sit with me instead.  I just know that something must be going on with his little brain.  Something that he can't explain or does not feel comfortable talking about.
I am realizing that he is not progressing the way that he should be.  He used to learn things very quickly when he started daycare, and he was interested in one-on-one time.  But, now he runs away from anything that resembles instruction.  Like, we got these balsa wood airplanes and he was so excited about flying them.  I was trying to teach him how to wind the propeller: take one finger, like the number one, and spin it around the propeller.  Well, learning that was too much work and he just went to play with something else.  Then, I have been thinking about how he has been trying to learn to count for almost a year now, and he still says, "one, three, four, five." 
I was thinking that this was all just part of his personality and I shouldn't pressure him to learn at such a young age. That all kids are different and I should not compare.  But, now I really feel like he is having issues and I'm worried about him.  
I just wish that I could hug him and make it all better but that's not working.

Potty Trained Ain't all it's Cracked up to Be

After spending 3 years dreaming wistfully about the day that LM would stop using diapers, I have come to realize that a potty trained kid ain't all sunshine and rainbows.  Gone are the days when we could just throw him in the car and go.  Now, I have to think about when he last went and whether he can hold it until the next destination.  Sometimes there are messy accidents if he does not remember to make it to the potty.  Last Friday we were leaving to go to daycare about 20 minutes away and I knew that he had not taken a morning pee.  I told him that we were not leaving until he went potty, and he had a fit.  He refused to go and started screaming when Mari took him in the powder room.  He also refused to put on a diaper for the ride.  I started to leave without him because I did not want him to pee in my car.  Then I thought to suggest that he pee on a plant outside.  He thought this was a good compromise and agreed.  So I pulled down his pants and he peed on my lavender plant.  Win win because human urine is acidic and has yummy vitamins for growing plants.
The weekend was beautiful and we went to Rock Creek Park to bike ride.  During our outing he wanted to potty again, determined to pee into Rock Creek.  I wouldn't let him get close to the bank, but I let him let loose on some nearby plants.  Why not? It is socially acceptable for guys to whip it out when restrooms are out of range; and it is good for the plants.
So I thought that everything was cool with LM's new relationship with nature.  Until I saw him relieving himself on the deck of our friend's apartment during a children's birthday party.  Yeah, so apparently I didn't explain the appropriate places vs. the not appropriate places and so he just innocently concluded that the world was his potty!

Little Punk in Training

Tonight LM stripped off all his clothes totally by himself.  Oh I was so proud that he is so independent and has picked up the coordination to do that.  Then he ran around the house naked for an hour or so.  How nice that he is potty trained and I don't have to worry about him pooping on the floor anymore.  NA was not tired at bed time, not at all, and there was nothing else to do but let her play and blow off some steam.  I gave her a mini manicure and pedicure, and then moved on to LM.  He was busy climbing on chairs and dressers, but he did come over and sit still long enough to let me cut his toe nails and put some tea tree and lavender on them (there was skin flaking and I think he may have a fungus from being obsessed with wearing socks nonstop).  So while I'm tending to his feet he is all naked and playing with his Little Man part.  Then I see wet like water by his crotch and he cups some liquid in his hand and brings it up to his mouth and sips from it.  WTF?  did I just see that?  "LM what are you drinking?!  That better not be pee!  Take your hand away from your mouth!"  It sure looked like water, and there was a cup of water near by... but...?  I told Mari what I saw and he kind of chucked and was like, "sera que nosso filho a retardado?" or "is our kid r*t*rded?"  I don't know.  I'm going to pretend that I didn't see that and move on.
The kids were both completely off the wall tonight.  I don't get it.  All they had/wanted was Great Harvest Guinness and Gouda Bread for dinner.  Could it have been something in the bread?
We went to a hobby shop to get some balsa wood gliders for preschool next week.  LM was like a kid in a candy store and love it loved it loved it.  He would have slept there if that was allowed.  He had a bit of a breakdown when we left.  I swear that he cries 10x more than the baby does.  She almost never gets upset about anything.  Well, so he wanted to move into the store.  Even though we had a bag of some modest goodies to play with at home he didn't care, he wanted to stay in the store and look at the airplanes, helicopters, boats, and monster trucks.  I tried reasoning with him, but it was no use.  He was sad and cried in protest, but didn't quite hit tantrum mode.   Later, when i was tucking him in for bed, I asked him if he wanted to go back to the plane store and he sat up and walked right out of bed, "Yes!" like we were going to go right then and there.  It's cute that he is so into this stuff.

In other news I woke up three days ago feeling the urge to vomit.  That was scary to think that i might be pregnant.  I am sure that I am not ready for a big belly again.  I checked and my IUD is still there.  So I just don't think that it is possible.  The web says only a .6% chance.  So I thought it must be the Koren food that I ate the day before.  But I have been feeling ssssoooo tired lately and getting headaches after eating caffeine or drinking beer.  I guess that I need to take a test just to dispel the paranoia from my mind.  Man wouldn't that change things?  We would have to move out of town, there is no way we could afford another daycare bill!