Tuesday, April 6, 2010

How do you not be your parents?

Four days into the new No Gluten, Casein, Corn, or Soy diet and LittleMan is as nutz as ever, maybe worse.  He has gone into hysterics almost everyday since we started and completely looses his mind.  I feel so bad for him, it is like he is possessed.  He cries and cries and no matter what I do he wont stop crying.  I've tried holding my ground, I've tried giving in, I've tried hugging him, I've tried diverting his attention; he just cannot bring himself to calm down.  It takes a while of wailing.
This weekend we went camping.  I had gone back to the car with the kids to grab some stuff and GirlFriend saw the box of strawberries, swiped it and started running away.  LM saw them and went over to her and just yanked them out of her hands and made her cry.  I interjected in the transaction, "Hey, you need to ask her nicely for them."  He said, "NO!" and then finally I took them out of his hands.  I couldn't have the baby see him getting away with that behavior, she copies everything that he does.  So he cried and cried and cried.  Would not calm down.  I was about to leave him there and go back to the campsite for reinforcements, when I caught myself, 'you can't leave a kid by himself.'  So I stood there, just breathing and trying to collect my thoughts.  There were people in surrounding campsites that we were disturbing.
Then the little punk starts yelling, "People!  People!  Please Help ME!  I lost my mommy!"
I was like, "I'm right here.  Come on, get in the wagon and lets go back."
He screams, "No! I don't want to go with you! Ahhhh!"
He carries on about loosing his mommy and starts walking away from me.  The little bugger is already trying to manipulate people.
Then tonight he had a breakdown because I wouldn't give him cereal for dinner after I already made him lentils and rice.  He cried and cried and he didn't even know what he was crying about.  It started because he wanted the cereal, but then he wanted the rice, except he wanted more than I gave him, and then he wanted an airplane or something nonsense like that.  I said, "I'm not giving you anything until you calm down and stop crying!"  He just would not stop crying.  Honestly, I was holding myself back from hitting him (or giving him something to cry about, as my dad would say).
"Why should I give you anything you want if all you do is cry in my face?"
I threw him on the couch, which is something that he usually thinks is fun.  I ran back to the kitchen to try to calm myself down. He came running back, "Hug me! Hug me!"
So I hug him, but he just keeps screaming like a mad man.  I was staring at him, trying to understand what he was feeling, trying to relate and break through the drama.  But, he was lost in some cathartic madness.  It is frightening, really scary to be next to someone that you love when they are in pain but you just cannot reach them, like talking through a cell phone.  I don't know what is going on.  Is this really typical troublesome three's behavior?
Sure I know that I used to act like that.  After this episode, I was trapped in some deja-vu mind trip.  My dad's voice..."are you going to stop crying?  Are you going to stop crying?  I am going to count to 3 and if you don't stop crying I am going to spank you!"
So when parents say, "you will understand when you have kids" II guess it is true.  I guess this life is just my life coming full circle.  Now I have to figure out how to break the cycle and defuse these crazy situations so that I do not make the same mistakes my parents did.

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