Monday, December 14, 2009

Nalini's Birthday Party and Postpartum Reflections

She has turned a year old and the days are whizzzzzzzzing by like an express train.  As her personality develops, I feel that I am starting to fall in love with her.  I know that this is going to sound bad, but when she was born I didn't feel as tight a bond with her as Kaio and i didn't find myself enamored by her sweet littleness and cuteness.  I thought she was funny looking.  I used to have these sick and disturbing fantasies: like that maybe I would never grow to approve of her and then she would grow up always trying to gain my respect and love, only I would never truly love her and she'd live with the self esteem of a child rejected by their mother.  I even looked on the internet to see if other mothers ever had these thoughts. Only I didn't know exactly where to look or how.  What, could you google: "Don't find my second baby as beautiful as my first child"?  When she was a really little baby and mariano would hold her, she would cry for me, but i felt I didn't deserve her love and desire. I think I even resented her for taking up my time that I could be spending with Kaio.  It was just heart wrenching.
I never showed my feelings to her.  And I showered her with kisses and hugs and sang to her and carried her everywhere with me in my arms.  I just kept hoping that if I went through the actions then she would grow on me and she wouldn't know the thoughts I was hiding.
Well, she is a year old now and i know that things have changed.  She has this cute little smile and laugh.  She is such a sweet and easy child, and I would do anything to make her smile.  She loves to be held, to dance, to hide in her tent, and copy adults.    She still sleeps right next to me every night with her little head nested against my armpit.  and when she wakes up and starts playing and walking around she does so with calculated determination and innocent curiosity.  I have to look at her with wonder and love.
So my new task is to find things for her to play with.  I've realized that all our toys are Kaio toys, and she seems to have a distinct personality.  She likes to sit on things (pillows, piles of clothes or shoes) so I need to find her a miniature chair.  Her nanny got her a doll for her birthday and she seems to like it.  I didn't even think about ever getting her a doll.  That seemed so girly, but she likes it.  Well aren't I too much of a tomboy feminist.
Anyway.  I hope that someone who is having similar post partum feelings as I was can read this post and know that the feelings will pass.  You will love your little baby soon.

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