Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A story of life bringing out so much

Bad things, when they happen, make you feel a rush of something different, something unusual.  Feelings of any sort, whether good or bad, are experiences and these make up life... remind us that we are alive.  Without the bad, we would not notice the good.  And without any of it, we would not notice that we are alive.
So much has happened in the last week.  My mom had a car accident, relatives came and went, we got new floors installed in our home, and then this morning Mari's car and wallet got stolen.  To make it worse, today was the last day of the month, the busiest day of the month and he had to work late.
So tonight I was alone with the kids.  I went to mom's to pick up my bicycle so that Mari can get to work and left the kids there while I went to inflate the tires, stuff the bike in the car, drop of the bike at home.  Then I started freaking out, what if the thieves come back to the house (they have the key).  Paranoia sits on my shoulder as I take out the trash from the last week.  This was depressing: feeling scared and alone in the dark, wishing Mari was around, and then feeling pathetic for needing him.  When I got back to mom's to pick up the kids and take them home Kaio did not want to come.  But then he did.  But then he didn't.  He did not know what he wanted.  I made the mistake of giving him a choice.  He was so torn, crying because he wanted to stay with grandma, and then crying because he wanted to go with me.  The thought of putting the two kids to bed was exhausting: changing Kaio's diaper while Nalini tries to eat lint off the floor of the bathroom, nursing Nalini to sleep while Kaio fidgets and whispers things.  It is tough, and I wasn't looking forward to it, so when Kaio was crying to stay with gramma I said, "OK, you stay with grandma. (period)"  and I turned the car around and dropped him off at the door.  "Here, you take him, he doesn't want to come with me."  she hugged him, and he looked back at me with eyes that pierced my heart.  His look said: I don't know what I want, I'm just a kid, why don't you want me, I'll go wherever I'm wanted.  I went back to the car where Nalini was and started to drive home.  But there was a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I ran back inside mom's house to check on him "He's fine, go home!"
The look haunted me the whole ride home.
I was able to nurse sweet Nalini to sleep easily, and then started getting Kaio's lunch ready.  I couldn't stop missing him... and feeling like I had made a mistake in bending to his tired and cranky whim.
Then there was a knock on the door... It's Kaio!  - "He was fine for a while, but then he wouldn't stop crying for you and saying I love my mommy" mom said.  oh I was so happy to have him back.  Big hug and time to get ready for bed.
How do you make a kid understand that it is hard being an adult, and that sometimes we feel sad and overwhelmed?  We can't always be 100%.  And sometimes - a lot of times - I feel confused too.   Actually I'm continuously realizing that I am not much more mature than Kaio.

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