Chocolate Baby Being Totally Adorable and Other Things

It’s been over 7 months that I’ve been attached to this little smiley cacao bean.

She’s with me pretty much all the time, day and night. I sleep next to her and she still wakes up to nurse throughout the night. It’s fine, RIP full night sleep. I know it’s only a few years, and so I’m not wasting my energy fighting it. But I do really miss having a little bit of space, a little bit of alone time. I used to start my morning with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, reading a chapter of a book and staring at the lake. That really helped set the tone to my day.

I’m trying to “train” her to enjoy that peaceful quiet morning moment too. But it ain’t easy. She does give me about 5 minutes now. It’s not exactly the same, but it is nice.

So I started trying to find a nanny or daycare. I interviewed at least 3 people and visited 4 places, two in home and two day care centers. None of them seem perfect. But my gut is saying to give this Argentine grad student a try, so she’s coming on Monday. She’s only available 3 hours a day, but I think even that will be a good start for me to get a little bit of self care in one or two days a week, and focus on important tasks at work the other days. We’re opening two more locations, and launching new packaging, so there’s important items that I need to be able to pay attention to in order to review and oversee.

I realized a long time ago that it’s important for me to keep balanced and calm. If I start to crash out, then the whole family suffers. All the hormones, lack of sleep, and worrying about what the teenagers are doing, do not make that easy. Kaio and Nala have both been going through things this year. It’s been maybe the hardest year ever for them because of mean kids. Kaio lost a good, long time best friend, and Nala got attacked by girls at her school that she barely knew. As the fourth quarter of the school year starts now, they’re pulling through strong, but the situations have been immersive mentally. I know that challenges make us stronger, and they will look back at this year and have thicker skin because of it, but damn it’s been tough.

Kaio had senior prom and took pictures with his friend. They look great together!

Tori asked for a cell phone since she needed to take pictures on a school trip and text her friends.  The new phones have better restrictions for tweens so she can't just download anything without me approving it, and it shuts down at night, or whenever I set the hours. So that's good. But still man, I hope I'm doing the right thing. She's been listening to lots of music and just generally turning into a teenager.  

My dear friend Merlin came to town and we went on a cold boat ride on the lake. We're at the age now where parents are dying, partners are getting cancer, and everyone can complain about health problems and shit. That's life.  But lucky I am to get to have people to hug for 30 years now. 

We filed some social media content at the factory and realized that the whole fam was in the same place at the same time.  Got a cute little pic.

I can see on the monitor that baby girl stirs, so I'll close out with some pictures of my chocolate baby being totally adorable.  

A little bit of catch up on life at 45

Getting some thoughs in real quick before the baby wakes up.  I can see on the monitor that she's already starting to stir. We have a bed in the solarium, and it's snow and ice right now, so the room is very cold. The baby monitor has a tempurature gadge and it's 55 degrees. We sleep under a down comforter that is really warm. So it feels like camping in the cold, and cuddling under a sleeping bag.  

Anyway, my days are caring for the baby. She's 4 months old now and so I'm with her all the time, nursing her, and she doesn't sleep great during the day, so I don't get much time with my hands free.  At least it is a blessing that we own our own business and so I can dictate my day and level of involvement. I can pass things on to people, and we have a great team at the shop who can handle everything. I do really love making chocolate though, and I miss being more involved.  But it's also wonderful to cuddle a baby all day, so I shouldn't complain about it.

The toughest thing has been going on with Nala. She's a junior and is getting bullied in school. She was actually physicallly attacked twice, once at school and girl tried to shave her head.  I find myself being worried about her all the time. Worried about Kaio too, since he's been staying up all night driving around. Just today he told me that he was going to a meet in Maryland, but I can see from the toll reciepts that he actually went to New York. I'm so confused about why he would lie to me. I know I lied to my parents when I was a teen, and I was never up to any good. But he's 19 now, and he shouldn't have to tell me exactly where he is all the time anyway. When I was 19 I had already crossed the country by my self twice.

I meditate when I can, and try to calm myself, tell myself to trust the process. That being a teen is confusing and I can't micro manage them, they need to own their decisions. But I also need to create barriers that make it hard for them to fuck up too much. A lot of my worrying comes from my own bad choices. I've been reading about zen budism and this kind of suffering is seeds that we've planted flowering. So it makes sense to me that I'm superimposing my own ideas about what kind of trouble there is out there, on to them. They might be doing the most benign thing, and I could be imagining that they're doing drugs and having sex. That's perception on my end and not their burden to carry.

So that's the biggest stress of my days. But there always has to be something to stress about. That's how life goes, solving one problem at a time.  Tori is 11 and no major problems at the moment. But middleschool was difficult for the other kids, they both switched schools during that time. We switched Tori's school last year, so maybe she had her difficult year early. She's extreemly academic and into math, so now she's going to one of the best schools in the country. I'm trying to keep Tori extreemly busy with after school activities. Idle hands are the devils playground, so they say. Tomorrow we're planning on volunteering handing food out to the homeless, I think Nala will come too.

Mariano has started going to the gym, which is awesome. We're both starting to get the bodies of our parents, hahaha. COVID made us sedintary and out of shape. So I'm glad that he's getting to be more active because he's happier and more productive during the day. 

When the baby's older, I hope I'll be able to go to the gym too.  But besides that, besides trying to learn to deal with my mom worries and be the best mom I can to the kids, besides that, life is pretty magical. 

I live in my dream house, with my dream job, and loving family.  I'm so in awe of my life and find time to look out at the lake and be grateful every day.

The new baby girt who magically came into our lives

We had a new baby. This year it happened pretty surpisingly.  Tori is 11 years old now, so that's a big gap. I had taken my IUD out over three years ago, and since I hadn't gotten pregnant right away, like all the other times, I figured that I wasn't fertile anymore.  

Well I guess that changed. I think I was feeling healthier, I was taking vitamins, low stress, practicing yoga again every day. We had moved into a new house that is on the lake, and just a dream come true.  So maybe it was all those things that created the magic.  

Well the pregnancy was the worst experience ever, and I'm not sure it needed to be but I had so many doctors appointments to monitor the baby and was convinced that she was going to be born with a health problem. My experience with the midwife group, OBGYN, and the Maternal Fetal specialists was so stressful. I had a horrible first two trimesters. It wasn't until the last month of the pregnancy that everything changed and I started working with homebirth midwives, and then decided to have the baby at home. Basically going from a completely over-medicalized highrisk pregnancy, to objecting all that and having my baby in the woods under the moonlight. So here's what happened. 

When I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that I was old and that was a risk factor. I started looking for a midwife practice that would take higher risk pregnancies because I knew that I wanted to have the baby vaginal like my other babies.  I found an OB and Midwifes group in Loudoun and called them to get an appointment. It took a while for the first appointment, but when I finally went around 9 weeks, I really didn't like the place. It seemed dirty and the Midwife who saw me did not seem happy or excited about talking to me. She was rushed and I basically felt no connection. I also was hoping for some emotional support since I was worried about being in my 40's.  But I got none of that and basically wanted to change places. Well finding a new OB is not easy becuase everyone has horrible reviews.  And it's not like you get to interview them before making an appointment.  Plus for the appointment you have to fill out so many forms, it's exhausting.  

While I was trying to find a new doctor I had a bleed. It was the weekend of a festival that we were selling chocolate at (I own a chocolate business) and I carried a heavy box. I carry heavy boxes all the time, but I should have known better since there's always those warnings around about pregnant woman not being allowed to carry anything. Well I bled a little, which was scary, but I also had a small bleed at 9 weeks with Kaio that was inconsequential. Called a nurse, and stayed home on bed rest for the weekend. Got an ultrasound on Monday and the baby was looking fine.

Stubborn me kept working like normal. Not really carrying anything super heavy, but still on my feet and carrying things. The next Sunday night after working all day I had a huge bleed.  Like way more than a full super pad. Mariano took me to the ER. While I was there in intake I started bleeding again. It was gushing down my leg everywhere. There was so much blood that I thought I must have lost the baby. But I also felt like I could still feel flutters of movement, so there was a little bit of hope.  I told Mariano that if I lost the baby, I didn't want to try for another one because it was all too stressful.  When they finally got me to the ultrasound tech, there was a baby with a healthy heartbeat.  

The next week I went to an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialists. I was refered to them because of my "Elderly" pregnancy, and also because of the bleeding.  The OB was so cool and nice. He saw that I had a small subchorionic hematoma, which is what caused the bleeding. He really wasn't worried about it and told me that I could carry on as normal.  

Normal did not feel right and so I decided to take a month of bed rest/pelvic rest to not overdue it anymore. I joined a facebook group for SCH and that's the recommendation is low or no activity. This was super hard for me because I was usually on my feet making chocolate and moving boxes all day.  I had to just stay home. I bled for a whole month. Finally the bleeding stopped.  

It seemed like everything was fine. But then when I went for the 20 week ultrasound they measured her so small, like below the 2%. And apparently that's very dangerous. They wanted me to come in weekly for ultrasounds and dopplers so they could track her growth. They didn't want me to go on vaction either, since then I would be skipping appointments.   

I was so torn because we had been planning a trip to Spain as a family. We hadn't been on any trip together in two years, and I knew that with a baby it would be hard to travel. So this felt like the only time. But the doctors were telling me to cancel our trip and said that I could have a still birth. I was crying at every appointment.  Mariano was so much tougher than me and he said we shouldn't worry about them and go. I decided that I should go because if I didn't I would just be sitting around at home waiting for something bad to happen.  

The whole vacation I was poking my belly non stop, anytime that i didn't feel movement. I would worry anytime I didn't feel her move.  Luckily she was a pretty active baby :). We had an awesome time eating and touring Spain. I ate a lot of food to try to get that baby to grow. I just loved getting to be with the kids for two whole weeks.  We bonded and they are old enough that I know they will carry those memories for life.  

When I got back I was feeling good and she actually measured 16%tile on the next appointment. I was thrilled and thought we were in the clear, but they still wanted me to come back for monitoring. The annoying thing was that these appointments were really expensive. So here they are telling me I have to go to them, and then also telling me I have to pay for them.  If I suggested less frequent visits, then I was going against medical advice. 

So I kept going and some weeks she would measure smaller, and then smaller, and then her body was large but her arms were too small. It was always something and so even thoough I felt great and healthy during the week, when I would go to an appointment at the specialist or the midwife office, they would kill my mood and have be worried about her again. That would take me a day or more to mentally recover from. I'd have to meditate and do yoga to get my positivity back.  Like, I'm a very optimistic person, and it seemed like the doctors were trying to bring me down and make me worried. 

Then the third trimester came and I failed my glucose test, which meant I was diagnosed with gestational diabeties. So now I had had an SCH, Fetal Growth Restriction, and Gestational Diabetes. Again, I felt fine and now they were telling me that I needed to check my blood sugar with a finger prick four times a day. I cried again. It felt like so much pressure to change my diet and test my  blood all the time. 

I finally gave the homebirth midwives a call, just for advice.  They were so nice on the phone, I broke down crying. They listened and we talked for like an hour. They were so reasuring, and said that they wouldn't disqualify me from a homebirth. That seemed so crazy to me considering how medicalized and high risk my months had been. But it also just felt so right.  They gave me practical tips to feel more in control. I started listening to pregnancy affirmations daily. I started to trust myself. I visualized a homebirth. Pretty much from the moment that we decided to do it, it felt so right and all my fears lifted. I started actually enjoying being pregnant.  So I need to condence the story, because baby might be about to wake up, I declined the induction at 37 weeks. Doctors make it seem like you don't have a choice, but you do. They can't force to you come in for an induction. Ironically it was the other midwives at the obgyn group that argued with me the most, the MFA spcialists it seemed like they were silently routing for me. But, yeah, once they all realized how serious I was they just cheered me on. 

So she came on her due date. I labored on the dock of the lake, under the moonlight, with my cats by my side. Hahaha. It was very primitive.  Mariano filled up the birthing pool just in time for me to get in and push out the baby.  It hurt so bad, but I loved it. I told Mariano that I was going to be in pain, but not to freak out because this is what I wanted. He was very supportive and loving.  I'm so glad that I had her at home. It felt natural and like it is what my body is supposed to do. She was born totally healthy, and I didn't have any complications. Healed up super fast too.

We celebrated by ordering tres leches cake and burritos from an all night mexican place called "Two Amigos". It was so good. 

Once you start listening to and following your heart, you really notice when things don't align or feel right. When you're on the right path and following your heart, even the most unlikely things can work out like magic. 

HNY

It’s New Year’s 2026, and my resolution is to blog more. Mariano’s sister, her husband, and kids are in town visiting with us. They’re seven-year-old twins, and being around them made me really miss little Kaio and Nala, who are 19 and 17 now! I started looking back at posts on this blog, getting pulled back into our adventures and the joy and wonder at their creativity and personalities. I wish I’d blogged more about Tori in her early years. She’s 11 now and says the funniest things.

So here goes. Let’s see if I can keep this up and document the kids more this year. A lot has happened since my last post. I’m not ready to try and catch up on everything right now. I will say, though, that we had a baby! She’s so perfect and beautiful. I’m actually typing this from my phone with her sleeping on my chest. 

Summer Girl Weekend

Yes it's been over two year since I've written. I was thinking tonght about sitting down to write because I'm on a trip with Nala and Tori to visit with mom. Getting to connect with the girls intergenerationally feels very special. It struck me how rare this weekend is, and how it might be the only time we do something like this. We just sang Karaoke songs together and danced, Nala was smiling, and I just felt so happy to have her smiling and wanting to hang out with me. This fall she starts highschool and I'm so worried about her. I remember how crazy highschool was for me, and I just hope she has a healthier experience. I'm glad that we're getting to do a few things together, and mom is showing her and Tori that they are always welcome. 

Relationships with moms is always kind of an ackward thing, right? I have to figure out how to not make it weird with my kids.

 

I Miss Nala

Last year Nala started to change so much. Her personality has pretty much done a 180. I really thought that it was a phase, and would pass with the teen hormones. But this week, I've gotten really worried that it wont, and this is who she is now. Can I be upset about that? I miss Nala so much. I miss the way she smiled with abandon. I miss the way everything she touched became a canvas of color and imagination. I miss her energy that was peaceful yet vibrant. Her kind spirit. Her ability to read situations and connect with people all around her. Her confidence with older people. Her dancing and smiling, and giggling, and being quiet yet content. 

I always felt so unbelievably lucky for having such a perfect kid. I know that I should just be grateful for the moments that we shared and the memories. But can't I also be sad? Am I allowed? Or does it make me a bad parent for wanting my child to be different than they are now? For craving this past reality. I miss her. I miss who she was. I love her so much, but she doesn't seem happy anymore. And to be honest, I might be a little mad at the new Nala for taking old Nala away. But I could never be mad at Nala, so I'm mad at the internet, and phone, and discord, and myself for letting those things into her life.

I regret not doing more with her. I regret not sitting on her bed and telling her a story every time that she asked for one. I wish I could hold her a lay with her tight in my arms, and will her back.

But I know that are kids are who they are. And I need to accept that. It's selfish of me to want anything else. I just hope I can be a good mom to Nala, and support her to be happy and healthy.

14 Years

 Kaio's slept way past his first class every day this week. He sleeps downstairs in the guest room because his bed is still covered in Halloween candy. First class in his virtual school day starts at 7:30am. He needs to just roll out of bed and walk over to the computer to log in. No one uses their cameras anymore. So he could take class half asleep, rolled up in a blanket. But he doesn't wake up. After the third day of this, I decided to take away his ipad, because it's keeping him up all night responding to tiktok followers, or gossiping about the Vegan Teacher. But then even yesterday morning he didn't wake up in time. Maybe his body just needs more sleep. Maybe virtual learning isn't real enough to feel like it matters. It's like the red light tickets that come in the mail, pretty easy to ignore until they eventually stop sending you bills. What, you don't do that?

Last night Kaio poured himself a big glass of milk, to try to make himself sleepy. Seeing him in the kitchen, fourteen years old, drinking that glass milk, it brought me back to 3am with him as an infant. I would nurse him in the rocker downstairs, and sing Bob Marley songs to try to get him to fall back asleep. I thought for a second of singing that to him now to help him sleep, but realized it would not go over well. 

But with my memory of the past imposed on the present, I saw both Kaios side by side. Like a baby picture of him right next to a 14 year old picture of him. Or one of those tiktok videos that plays dual screen. Then present me asked past me if this was what I imagined being a parent would be like, if this was the kind of moment that I wished for when I wanted to have kids.  Past me didn't need to answer, because of course it is. Moments like that, in the kitchen together, drinking a glass of milk and chatting, those are the moments that make bonds and friendship, and make life worth living. 

And then leaning on the frigerator, standing in an awareness that traversed time, I tried to imagine how it would be in the next 14 years, seeing him as an adult talking to me. I envisioned him big and broad like my brother, eyes like Mariano and with that same rambling excitement, talking about whatever it is that his is doing in the future. 

I don't know if it will happen. I don't know if I'll get another 14 years with him. I sure hope so. I know that at 3am in that rocker, 14 years seemed a world away. And here I am, in the same place, still just trying to figure life out, confronting the challenges as they come, and not feeling like all the different a person than I was back then. And then I just felt really lucky to have made it this far, to have Kaio in my life and have gotten to spend 14 years with him. 

Over the Hill

I work up at 3 in the morning. I'm not sure why. It was partly the heat from being squished between Tori and Mariano in bed. Tori has her own bed, in our same room, next to our bed. But she still gets up and curls up next to me. And I like holding her, so I don't complain. Except that she kicks me in the middle of the night, and almost always wakes me up. 

I got up to check what time it was, and get some water. But then both the cats must have realized that something was happening, because they came to the back door for me to let them in, and then purred and begged for food. I opened a can of tuna, and now they're face down, huffing it. 

Yesterday was my 40th Birthday. I had hoped to celebrate on a beach, like I celebrated the last two years in Hawaii. So this year my day dream was so go to Goa, visit India, maybe do some yoga. But this year COVID virus grounded us and the whole world. So I didn't really want to do anything to celebrate. I had been stressing over today for months in a weird way. Like, worried that people would make a big deal out of it. Worried that I had to do something special because it was a big number. In the end, it was nothing special. I took the day off of work, my mom called, Mariano's mom called. Mariano made me breakfast and got Sunflower for dinner. The kids needed to be reminded to hug me. Dad dropped off a fancy toilet seat, which is what I told him I wanted. Some people wrote messages on Facebook, or sent me texts. No party, no cake, no singing, no big deal. Just me and the family, the cats, and my own thoughts on life, past, present and future.

If anything this virus has bought me into my center to find an inner peace. I've started meditating every day, and haven't drank any alcohol or even coffee for over a month. Just on the chocolate. Every day the chocolate. There's been some good that has come out of it COVID. Like we've gotten to spend much more time together as a family, really slow down. No more afterschool activities, no more school even. So I can't complain too much. I'm happy with where we are at, I really am.

My birthday present to myself was a tattoo. I've been wanting a henna shoulder for like 6 years now. But felt paralyzed by not knowing where to go, how to afford it, or exactly what artwork to get. This year, with no where to go for my birthday, it would have to happen. I checked a studio by our house, and found an artist there with a style that seemed like it would fit. Kinda lucky for me she had space on her books because of COVID cancellations, and I was able to get in within a month. 

So like everything lately, I had an intention, and it came true. 

The color is a little off from what I wanted. I had wanted a light brown, but I got drawn into the name of this color being "Chocolate Brown." Taught me a lesson about not judging a color by its name. Well if it doesn't fade to brown, I could maybe have her trace over it? Idk.

My mom flipped out. Which was unexpected. I did not realize that she was so anti-tattoo. But when she saw it, she started crying and saying that she wanted to kill herself. We were at the chocolate factory, and it was so weird. I went to talk to her outside, and she told me that truck drivers get tattoos, and what did she do wrong to have be come out so different from her? She would never think to get a tattoo or do drugs. Why couldn't I be more like Donald Trump's kids? His kids are so perfect. 

The next day she said that she was moving to Florida. 

I was not enjoying living in the same house. Because we were working together at the factory too, I just felt like I was being micromanaged all the time about how to run my business and how to parent the kids. But when we would talk of moving, she would tell us not to go. When we would be out of town, she would talk about being scared and lonely in the house at night. So I felt like she needed us. But then it turned out that she had been wanting to move to Florida for a long time now, but thought that we needed her here to help with the kids and business. So seems like the tattoo was a good thing. The tattoo was the conduit for her realizing that she needed something different, and me getting the space that I needed too.  So far it seems like she's enjoying it there. Her knees haven't been hurting, and almost everyone she talks to is a Trump supporter. I hope that she doesn't get lonely and enjoys herself.

So that's me, that's this moment. After mom left, I went through a nesting phase. I think it was in prep for my birthday, this feeling of "I'm a grown up, I should live in a house that is nice." So I repainted the walls in the living room and kitchen, and also got some new-to-us furniture off facebook marketplace. I actually prefer used furniture because it doesn't off gas, and I don't have to worry about not scratching it up or keeping it nice. Now that the kids are teens, we needed a bigger sofa. We had a love seat before, and it couldn't even fit 3 of us to watch a movie together. We also could barely fit at the little dinky table to eat meats together. The two pieces that I found, both within 3 miles of our house, are perfect. The new colors make the place look more modern, and depending on the light, they are similar to the colors in our River-Sea logo. I was trying not to make them the same, but then I also love our logo colors, so I'm happy with it.

I almost made the mistake of buying the brown color that had the word "Chocolate" in it. But, having learned the lesson from that problem with my tattoo, I chose a different color that had a warmer shade, and I'm glad that I did. It looks lovely.

Because we have such little square footage, like less than 1400 ft for 5 people, the house was cluttered. I did some major decluttering though, and got a shelf for the kitchen to help store things, instead of in a pile or on the counter, like before. We have these huge 100lb bags of rice and beans (because of the food shortages from COVID), and they have been taking up space on our kitchen floor. But now it's looking much better. I think we may be able to keep the place this tidy.

Well that's it. Gonna try to go back to sleep since I have a lot to do at the Chocolate Factory tomorrow. I think my next intention should be to write more. Catch this blog up a bit, since it's been more than 2 years since my last post and so much had happened. 

Every Day is the Best Day of My Life

The days flush out from beginning to end with a sense of urgency, like a dream you've already woken up from, but it's so good that you just keep trying to fall back asleep and carry it on and direct it to a happy closure. I feel like at any moment I could get pulled from this reality.  It could be over and I'd be lifted to another dimension. The stoics say that you should always live as if you could die at any moment, you should live for today.

I am stoic. Or should I say, a lazy stoic. Because I don't do anything profound or dangerous. But I do feel a constant potential for death. And that vector, waiting in the horizon, like an arrow pulled back on a bow, makes me cherish the giggles and smiles so deeply. Through every moment of the day, from silly jokes to enacting discipline, I worry that it could be my last opportunity.
Why so dark? Why so goth?

This month my uncle passed away unexpectedly. This month Mariano's uncle passed away. This month others in the parameter of our lives have perished; high school friends, professors, in-laws of relatives, people on the news, etc. The impermanence of life echos saliently. So when that baby girl smiles up at me, I slurp up the joy and let the taste linger.

Through this stoic exercise, of always thinking today could be your last, I have realized that Every Day with My Family is the Best Day of My Life.  There is nothing else I would rather do and no other way I would rather spend my time. I am so grateful for their presence.

The Year We Went Wild

This was such a different year for our family that it seemed impossible to send the normal, Happy Holidays card. So I started writing a card, but then realized that I was just incapable of writing something sterile or formal enough to send out as a Christmas greeting.  So I’m posting here.

Instead of imposing my journey in the mailbox of my friends and family.  I’ll just post here, in my space, any maybe it will help someone have a good year too.  

This year Mariano and I have been married for 10 years, which we celebrated with a way-too-short epic trip to Thailand, Cambodia and Dubai. If you haven’t been, Thailand is very easy to get around and friendly. Everyone speaks English and the landscape and temples are captivating.  

Before we left for Thailand, Mariano quit his job. Which sounds kind of crazy right? But the decision was planned and socialized with his office for a long time. After a year of average 12 hour days plus a two hour commute, he was totally burnt out, and so he gave three month notice on the decision to leave. We had saved enough for him to take a break, spend more time with our kids, and take his time finding a position closer to home with reasonable hours.

But then only a week after we returned from our anniversary trip, I was laid off in a massive RIF. At first, I felt like a failure.  Kaio worked hard to bring me out of it, excited that I would be able to go to his school events again and be home more. The kids were really supportive actually, they even stopped asking for toys and crap.

It was scary but instead of jumping into a job search, we took a look at our savings, and planned how to make funds stretch out long enough to spend the summer in Brazil. We wanted the kids to make lasting memories with family there. Because of the cost to fly all five of us there, I hadn’t been in five years. Tori had never been. We ended up taking Kaio and Nalini out of school two weeks early so we could leave as soon as possible.  

Most of Mariano’s family and friends live in a big city named Belem, about 1 degrees south of the equator.  The weather averages 99 degrees day and night, rooms are full of mosquitoes, and the streets are full of robbers. For two months, we slept all five of us in one room with three beds, sometimes even on top of each other. So you can imagine that’s a hardship from the A/C bug-free and kushy life our kids are used to living. There was a lot of complaining. But what really mattered in the long run was the time we spent with our wonderful family.  Mariano’s parents, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins, etc. He has a big family. And everyone is so fun and generous, excited and unconditionally loving with the kids. We were able to really slow down and spend quality time visiting with his extended family, as well as travel around the region from jungle to farm to beach and back.

Taking the sabbatical really gave me time to think about the trajectory of my life, our life together, and the future of the kids. We brainstormed a lot about how to maintain the joy that we had solidified and not get sucked back into old negative habits that are completely draining. It felt like we hit the reset button on life and had a chance to start again.  

At first I didn’t really know what to do with all that calmness, and actually it felt lost to be so centered with no mission to execute.  But then we found cacao beans and started making chocolate, and the mission began to expose itself.  I felt drive and purpose.  I  entered into a bean-to-bar international training course. We came back to the US and started building the business.  

Since then I've been dividing my time between caring for the kids, cannabis plants, and making chocolate. Soon I'll be teaching yoga again back at one of the studio's that I used to teach at. Mariano has been taking occasion consulting work. We are pretty broke right now, but over-all happier and in a better place than last year. I have a lot of hope and faith that our chocolate business will be a success. And by success I mean yielding enough revenue that we can pay a nice living wage and support our kiddos.

Wishing you a quiet and peaceful passage of the holidays. Hugs and kisses,

Krissee