Friday, November 19, 2010

Too late for a fairytale?

I've made some time in life to watch a couple movies lately.  Last night it was Avatar.  I missed the 3-D IMAX version.  Something about having little kids or babies when it came out.
We have not been to a movie in years.  Funny, last week I was hanging out with Kaio outside a theater next to our gym, waiting for Mari and Nala to arrive to workout.  A woman come out of a movie with a stroller and a sleeping baby covered by a blanket.  I never thought of that.  Does that really work?  Can she really have a baby reliable enough to not wake up and cry for a whole two hours?  Hmm.  maybe she doesn't mind if the baby cries during the movie.
So we missed the 3-D showings of Avatar, and now that I have seen the movie I really regret it.  I had no idea, but it was an environmental film with a beautiful message, and trippy, entrancing visual effects.  Like a newer Ferngully, with more realistic action and passion.
Watching movies, even on TV, can be draining for me now.  I find myself internalizing and relating to the emotions of the characters, and really letting the bad parts get to my head.  As a mother, it is tough for me to process violence and sorrow.  I'm not sure if protecting myself from those emotions is a good thing, or if it fuels ignorance and inaction towards the pains of the world.  I hope someday to get to a place where I am more able to do good for the world around me and mobilize change.  But right now I feel paralyzed with the tidal wave of disasters.  I have not given back to society much this year and I do need to do something about that.

So back to Avatar last night, and parts of Amelia and Last of the Mohicans tonight.  The drama and stories pull me in to a distant world of adventure.
As I was telling Nala bedtime stories tonight about princesses, Sleeping Beauty and the Princess and the Frog, I started to think about my fairytale.  Why are all the princesses so young?  Does that mean that nothing interesting happens when you are older?  Where is my story?  I want it too be an interesting one.
So then the kids were sleeping peacefully in their beds, getting over a changing of the seasons cold.  I'm pretty happy that they were able to fight it off with nothing but rest, soup, and herbal concoctions.
Mari and I cuddled on the sofa.  I couldn't stop thinking about how despite the difficulties of having kids, despite our divergent political views, despite all the little things that we could fight about, despite the chores that rarely get done, despite my constant state of searching with work and life; I'm just so happy to be with him, so in love all of the time.  We turn into teenagers when we're alone.

I don't know what is going on with my life right now.  I mean,
- Living at my mom's house, only half unpacked for almost a year.
- Working in a job I feel no passion for.
- Struggling to be a good mom, but not really getting the hang of how to deal with Kaio's personality.  (I actually hit him yesterday after he hit me for fixing his helicopter in a way that didn't appease.  I feel awful, awful about loosing it and slapping him instead of defusing the situation).

There is so much to think about and plan and all the time I feel a lack of traction towards living the 'dream' of my fairytale life.  Not really knowing what or where it is either.  But then the nights with him feel like they could be that movie script, only one with the backdrop of a suburban house, with yellow walls.  Not quite as romantic as making love on a bed of ferns in the rain.  But with visualizations I can bring myself there.  I have a pretty good imagination.

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