A little bit of catch up on life at 45

Getting some thoughs in real quick before the baby wakes up.  I can see on the monitor that she's already starting to stir. We have a bed in the solarium, and it's snow and ice right now, so the room is very cold. The baby monitor has a tempurature gadge and it's 55 degrees. We sleep under a down comforter that is really warm. So it feels like camping in the cold, and cuddling under a sleeping bag.  

Anyway, my days are caring for the baby. She's 4 months old now and so I'm with her all the time, nursing her, and she doesn't sleep great during the day, so I don't get much time with my hands free.  At least it is a blessing that we own our own business and so I can dictate my day and level of involvement. I can pass things on to people, and we have a great team at the shop who can handle everything. I do really love making chocolate though, and I miss being more involved.  But it's also wonderful to cuddle a baby all day, so I shouldn't complain about it.

The toughest thing has been going on with Nala. She's a junior and is getting bullied in school. She was actually physicallly attacked twice, once at school and girl tried to shave her head.  I find myself being worried about her all the time. Worried about Kaio too, since he's been staying up all night driving around. Just today he told me that he was going to a meet in Maryland, but I can see from the toll reciepts that he actually went to New York. I'm so confused about why he would lie to me. I know I lied to my parents when I was a teen, and I was never up to any good. But he's 19 now, and he shouldn't have to tell me exactly where he is all the time anyway. When I was 19 I had already crossed the country by my self twice.

I meditate when I can, and try to calm myself, tell myself to trust the process. That being a teen is confusing and I can't micro manage them, they need to own their decisions. But I also need to create barriers that make it hard for them to fuck up too much. A lot of my worrying comes from my own bad choices. I've been reading about zen budism and this kind of suffering is seeds that we've planted flowering. So it makes sense to me that I'm superimposing my own ideas about what kind of trouble there is out there, on to them. They might be doing the most benign thing, and I could be imagining that they're doing drugs and having sex. That's perception on my end and not their burden to carry.

So that's the biggest stress of my days. But there always has to be something to stress about. That's how life goes, solving one problem at a time.  Tori is 11 and no major problems at the moment. But middleschool was difficult for the other kids, they both switched schools during that time. We switched Tori's school last year, so maybe she had her difficult year early. She's extreemly academic and into math, so now she's going to one of the best schools in the country. I'm trying to keep Tori extreemly busy with after school activities. Idle hands are the devils playground, so they say. Tomorrow we're planning on volunteering handing food out to the homeless, I think Nala will come too.

Mariano has started going to the gym, which is awesome. We're both starting to get the bodies of our parents, hahaha. COVID made us sedintary and out of shape. So I'm glad that he's getting to be more active because he's happier and more productive during the day. 

When the baby's older, I hope I'll be able to go to the gym too.  But besides that, besides trying to learn to deal with my mom worries and be the best mom I can to the kids, besides that, life is pretty magical. 

I live in my dream house, with my dream job, and loving family.  I'm so in awe of my life and find time to look out at the lake and be grateful every day.

The new baby girt who magically came into our lives

We had a new baby. This year it happened pretty surpisingly.  Tori is 11 years old now, so that's a big gap. I had taken my IUD out over three years ago, and since I hadn't gotten pregnant right away, like all the other times, I figured that I wasn't fertile anymore.  

Well I guess that changed. I think I was feeling healthier, I was taking vitamins, low stress, practicing yoga again every day. We had moved into a new house that is on the lake, and just a dream come true.  So maybe it was all those things that created the magic.  

Well the pregnancy was the worst experience ever, and I'm not sure it needed to be but I had so many doctors appointments to monitor the baby and was convinced that she was going to be born with a health problem. My experience with the midwife group, OBGYN, and the Maternal Fetal specialists was so stressful. I had a horrible first two trimesters. It wasn't until the last month of the pregnancy that everything changed and I started working with homebirth midwives, and then decided to have the baby at home. Basically going from a completely over-medicalized highrisk pregnancy, to objecting all that and having my baby in the woods under the moonlight. So here's what happened. 

When I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that I was old and that was a risk factor. I started looking for a midwife practice that would take higher risk pregnancies because I knew that I wanted to have the baby vaginal like my other babies.  I found an OB and Midwifes group in Loudoun and called them to get an appointment. It took a while for the first appointment, but when I finally went around 9 weeks, I really didn't like the place. It seemed dirty and the Midwife who saw me did not seem happy or excited about talking to me. She was rushed and I basically felt no connection. I also was hoping for some emotional support since I was worried about being in my 40's.  But I got none of that and basically wanted to change places. Well finding a new OB is not easy becuase everyone has horrible reviews.  And it's not like you get to interview them before making an appointment.  Plus for the appointment you have to fill out so many forms, it's exhausting.  

While I was trying to find a new doctor I had a bleed. It was the weekend of a festival that we were selling chocolate at (I own a chocolate business) and I carried a heavy box. I carry heavy boxes all the time, but I should have known better since there's always those warnings around about pregnant woman not being allowed to carry anything. Well I bled a little, which was scary, but I also had a small bleed at 9 weeks with Kaio that was inconsequential. Called a nurse, and stayed home on bed rest for the weekend. Got an ultrasound on Monday and the baby was looking fine.

Stubborn me kept working like normal. Not really carrying anything super heavy, but still on my feet and carrying things. The next Sunday night after working all day I had a huge bleed.  Like way more than a full super pad. Mariano took me to the ER. While I was there in intake I started bleeding again. It was gushing down my leg everywhere. There was so much blood that I thought I must have lost the baby. But I also felt like I could still feel flutters of movement, so there was a little bit of hope.  I told Mariano that if I lost the baby, I didn't want to try for another one because it was all too stressful.  When they finally got me to the ultrasound tech, there was a baby with a healthy heartbeat.  

The next week I went to an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialists. I was refered to them because of my "Elderly" pregnancy, and also because of the bleeding.  The OB was so cool and nice. He saw that I had a small subchorionic hematoma, which is what caused the bleeding. He really wasn't worried about it and told me that I could carry on as normal.  

Normal did not feel right and so I decided to take a month of bed rest/pelvic rest to not overdue it anymore. I joined a facebook group for SCH and that's the recommendation is low or no activity. This was super hard for me because I was usually on my feet making chocolate and moving boxes all day.  I had to just stay home. I bled for a whole month. Finally the bleeding stopped.  

It seemed like everything was fine. But then when I went for the 20 week ultrasound they measured her so small, like below the 2%. And apparently that's very dangerous. They wanted me to come in weekly for ultrasounds and dopplers so they could track her growth. They didn't want me to go on vaction either, since then I would be skipping appointments.   

I was so torn because we had been planning a trip to Spain as a family. We hadn't been on any trip together in two years, and I knew that with a baby it would be hard to travel. So this felt like the only time. But the doctors were telling me to cancel our trip and said that I could have a still birth. I was crying at every appointment.  Mariano was so much tougher than me and he said we shouldn't worry about them and go. I decided that I should go because if I didn't I would just be sitting around at home waiting for something bad to happen.  

The whole vacation I was poking my belly non stop, anytime that i didn't feel movement. I would worry anytime I didn't feel her move.  Luckily she was a pretty active baby :). We had an awesome time eating and touring Spain. I ate a lot of food to try to get that baby to grow. I just loved getting to be with the kids for two whole weeks.  We bonded and they are old enough that I know they will carry those memories for life.  

When I got back I was feeling good and she actually measured 16%tile on the next appointment. I was thrilled and thought we were in the clear, but they still wanted me to come back for monitoring. The annoying thing was that these appointments were really expensive. So here they are telling me I have to go to them, and then also telling me I have to pay for them.  If I suggested less frequent visits, then I was going against medical advice. 

So I kept going and some weeks she would measure smaller, and then smaller, and then her body was large but her arms were too small. It was always something and so even thoough I felt great and healthy during the week, when I would go to an appointment at the specialist or the midwife office, they would kill my mood and have be worried about her again. That would take me a day or more to mentally recover from. I'd have to meditate and do yoga to get my positivity back.  Like, I'm a very optimistic person, and it seemed like the doctors were trying to bring me down and make me worried. 

Then the third trimester came and I failed my glucose test, which meant I was diagnosed with gestational diabeties. So now I had had an SCH, Fetal Growth Restriction, and Gestational Diabetes. Again, I felt fine and now they were telling me that I needed to check my blood sugar with a finger prick four times a day. I cried again. It felt like so much pressure to change my diet and test my  blood all the time. 

I finally gave the homebirth midwives a call, just for advice.  They were so nice on the phone, I broke down crying. They listened and we talked for like an hour. They were so reasuring, and said that they wouldn't disqualify me from a homebirth. That seemed so crazy to me considering how medicalized and high risk my months had been. But it also just felt so right.  They gave me practical tips to feel more in control. I started listening to pregnancy affirmations daily. I started to trust myself. I visualized a homebirth. Pretty much from the moment that we decided to do it, it felt so right and all my fears lifted. I started actually enjoying being pregnant.  So I need to condence the story, because baby might be about to wake up, I declined the induction at 37 weeks. Doctors make it seem like you don't have a choice, but you do. They can't force to you come in for an induction. Ironically it was the other midwives at the obgyn group that argued with me the most, the MFA spcialists it seemed like they were silently routing for me. But, yeah, once they all realized how serious I was they just cheered me on. 

So she came on her due date. I labored on the dock of the lake, under the moonlight, with my cats by my side. Hahaha. It was very primitive.  Mariano filled up the birthing pool just in time for me to get in and push out the baby.  It hurt so bad, but I loved it. I told Mariano that I was going to be in pain, but not to freak out because this is what I wanted. He was very supportive and loving.  I'm so glad that I had her at home. It felt natural and like it is what my body is supposed to do. She was born totally healthy, and I didn't have any complications. Healed up super fast too.

We celebrated by ordering tres leches cake and burritos from an all night mexican place called "Two Amigos". It was so good. 

Once you start listening to and following your heart, you really notice when things don't align or feel right. When you're on the right path and following your heart, even the most unlikely things can work out like magic.