I have been reading more research from Weston A. Price and starting to become more of a believer in the detriments of processed foods, even organic processed foods. We do a pretty good job of staying away from those items at home, and it helps that we can't afford them. But, I am finding that the rest of the world functions very differently than our humble crib. This is starting to tear me apart. I don't want my kids putting refined, processed, poisonous foods in their bodies. But at day care, that is totally normal and what all the kids eat. So then i feel like a bad mom for putting Kaio in daycare at all, instead of being at home with him. But even if i was at home with him, regulating his every intake, would I be able to provide him all the social development that he gets from daycare? I don't know. When I get on this thought train, I just feel incapable of everything.
And so, unintentionally I have been sucked into the modern debate between working moms and stay at home moms. Only the debate is going on in my head! I never cared before, and totally understood that each family should have the right to their own decision, and none is better or worse. But now I'm multiple personality disorder in my head. I just wish that we could afford to have me stay home. and I have never said this out loud before because I don't want to put any pressure on him, but "I wish that my man made more money." or "I wish that we had not bought a house that we need two incomes to pay for."
I do like my job now, and things are so much better than earlier this year. But this week I have found myself getting extremely jealous of the moms who chose to stay at home, caring for and homeschooling their kids. oh boy. When I was on maternity leave, taking care of both of them: I really took to the task and enjoyed it.
But that is not the path I am on right now, and I need to accept that and stand behind my choices. I need to remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Even if i was a stay at home mom, I would probably have all kinds of insecurities about providing the proper social and educational developmental environment for my kids. I would probably be very overwhelmed with keeping up with them, and with the worry that I was a bad mom (I mean I'm already always worried about that). I would probably be worried that we were not saving enough for their college. And we would probably not be able to afford to travel to visit mariano's family in Brazil every couple years. I need to remember these things, but as someone who over thinks everything, sometimes it is hard.